Hippies
I am not a fan of Hippies. They smell bad, they always accost you on the streets, they all own dogs, even though the vast majority of them cannot even handle feeding and properly mainaining grooming for ONE let alone TWO lifeforms, and they like to smoke 'reefer' or marijuana cigarettes, if you will. See the problems is this: In an effort to end the infestation of hippies we had in America, congress decided to end the sixties after ten years. This took care of most of the hippies. A lot of them sensing that their decade had come to a halt, went out and got some dignity as well as corporate jobs at Exxon and AT&T. The rest of them simply melted. However, some fell through the cracks. For a while everyone thought we were done with them, that the problem had just gone away. Unfortunately, the remaining hippies had kids who in turn started listening to the Grateful Dead.
In a last ditch effort to rid the planet of hippies, the CIA and FBI teamed up and killed Jerry Garcia. This worked for a while, but the hippies came up with a powerful counter assault, PHISH, a band with music FOUR TIMES CRAPPIER than the Grateful dead and with a fan base TEN TIME SMELLIER than Grateful Dead fans as well.
Obviously the government has failed us and as the Agents of SORP we have to take matters into our own hands. Unfortunately it is too late for traditional weapons to do us any good. Had we tried that at the beginning, say in 1997, it could have worked, but not now. See, since the inception of the new hippie movement, NONE OF THEM HAVE SHOWERED! That’s right, not a single one! Over the years, through many subsequent summers, their smells have gotten so incredibly strong that you can actually see the cartoon style stink lines emanating from their fetid bodies, as illustrated below.
These stink lines act as a deflector shield if you will. Much in the way that the concentrated gravity from a black hole will bend the rays of light, so will these stink lines deflect both bullets and antiperspirant.
Courtesy: SORP Ballistics test team.
Our only hope is the brave men and women at SORP Laboratories, who are diligently working day and night to develop the powerful anti-hippie measures that this war will call for. Silver bullets coated with a Teflon/Rightguard compound have yielded a nominal success, but truly the only answer is to infiltrate the hippies, much as the Illuminati infiltrated the Freemasons and turn them from the pungent deviants they are into useful members of society.
Either that or we could just capture them and drill holes in their heads and pour in Pop Rocks until they see it our way. Either way
Hippies People Who Speak Before They Think
People Who Just got out of the Hospital