The Denver Hearse Association was started in 1996 by Jeff Brown and Zachary
Zachary Byron Helm
The early days were frustrating as the internet had not yet reached most
hearse owners and Colorado is not exactly the most happening of places. The
membership was built from the ground up, the good old fashioned way - Tracking
down other hearses based on reported sightings, word of mouth and general harassment
of current hearse owners.
The first ever DHA meet boasted a whopping 4 hearses, but in all
fairness, there was a blizzard going on at the time.
To date the DHA has appeared on the Discovery Channel, Canadian national
television, the Denver Post, the Rocky Mountain news, local television and
exactly one metric assload of student film projects.
We welcome everyone, we don't care how extreme or how
conservative you are. As long as you don't force your views on other people, no
matter what those views are, you are welcome. Start trying to tell people how
professional or how they should be presenting themselves and you can find
yourself the door. We don't need it.
A few things right up front...if you believe hearses are sacred, should be
treated almost as you would a bible, if you think that the funeral industry
should be regarded with solemnity and reverence, and you think all hearse clubs
should be actively accepted by the public and be well perceived by the public,
we are NOT the club for you. We don't care if your car is bone stock or
radically modified. Whatever you do with your car is your own damned business
and we are not here to push our views on you one way or another, but in the past we
have had some people try to join us and take our club in a more 'positive' and
'public friendly' direction. We don't want it people. We're as rude as we want
to be, and as long as you don't have a problem or get easily embarrassed, we
As a part of the NHAA (the National Hearse and Ambulance Association) we
encourage active ownership. What does this mean? Well, it means we drive our
cars. Our cars aren't trailer queens that sit in a garage 340 days a year. They
are driven, enjoyed, used, because they cars, they aren't the freaking Shroud of
Turin. If you covet an inanimate object so much that you treat it like a
child in a plastic bubble with an immune disease, then you my friend have sorely
misplaced and out of whack priorities. It's just a hearse. Get over it and get
out and have some fun in it.
ALL members of the Denver Hearse Association/Hearseclub.com
agree to abide by our Code of Conduct. Failure to abide by the code, which is a
fairly common sense guide on how to not be an asshole, may be terminated as
members at any time. Attendance at a meet is a statement that you have read and
understand this Code of Conduct. Click here to read the full
details and the code itself.
Some common questions we tend to get...over, and over, and
Q. I want to buy a hearse but I don't have one yet...can I join?
A. There is no
rule that says you can't join if you don't own a hearse. However if you just
come around to hang out and never actually buy one, we will probably give you a
lot of crap about it. Come on people, they are not expensive cars, just freaking
Q. I did that, I looked at the page, I still can't get one!
A. Then you are a
mental defective and we REALLY don't want you.
Q. I want a hearse buy my girlfriend/boyfriend won't let me have one!
A. Then get another new girlfriend/boyfriend. There are only so many classic hearses out there in the world, and
you can bet they aren't making any more say 1959 Superior 3-ways, but you know
what they ARE making more of on a daily basis? People that you can screw. Every
day, thousands more are born and chances are sooner or
later you'll find one who isn't such a self centered piece of crap that they
make you feel like a bad person for wanting something out of the ordinary.
Q. I really want a hearse like the one in Harold and Maude
A. You DO!? WOW!
Imagine that! Look, we ALL want a 1959 hearse. Every...last...one...of...us,
myself included, it's only the sexiest car ever made. Sure, there are people out
there who CLAIM they don't want a 59 hearse (they usually say things like
"59's are so overrated, I like my 1982 POS hearse with a dent in the door
much better"), but they are lying. They are like guys with 2 inch
claiming that they don't mind it and think big wangs are overrated, but if you
offered them another 5 inches they would trample their own mother to get it. But
to answer your statement, everyone wants them, few have them, and you probably
don't have the several thousands of dollars to buy one, so get back in line with
the rest of us who aren't cool enough to have one.
Q. You guys sure seem to think other hearse clubs suck. What's
with the attitude?
A. We tried playing nice once upon a time. This is the new DHA and we're not out
to win any friends/respect/ass kissing. Some hearse clubs just plain suck. We
don't and we're not afraid to tell you. Incidentally, or statement was that MOST
hearse clubs suck. Not all do, for example the NHAA
and anyone listed on our links page is generally alright.
Q. But seriously, you rag on other clubs like you are so much
better! You make fun of the shitty animated skull graphics that they use and
dripping blood borders. I think you should respect that they are doing their own
A. You know, the thing is this - if Ben Stiller were to star in a out of
proportion comedy about being in a hearse club, these clubs would be the basis
for that movie. They are parodies of real clubs. Another thing you won't find
here is lame ass puns like "Hey, we're just hearsin' around!" or
"I have must have a cold, I've been COFFIN A LOT!" or any crap like
that. If you DO find such a pun anywhere on this site, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
and I will delete it. I will then trace your email back to you and kill you as
well as anyone you have had contact with for the last 72 hours, just to make
sure the situation is contained. Don't fuck with us.