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Buying a hearse, by Zachary Byron Helm The following is an article written for the
prospective buyer. It is not intended to be a compendium of irrefutable facts, but rather
act as a reference point for people who have no background in the hobby. The main purpose
is just to educate so that people who are looking into buying a hearse will have a better
idea of what to expect and how to go about looking for one of these cars. This guide does
have some exclusions in it, mostly for the fact that I felt the information contained
within would cover the hearses that you would be most likely to encounter while on your
search.
When I am cruising down the road, I usually get one of two questions.
The number one question being: "Hey, where can I find a hearse like that?" to
which I am usually compelled to take some time out and try to answer their question and
hopefully help them find a hearse.
The second question I am usually asked is: "Hey, got any
DEAD BODIES back there?" to which I am usually compelled to want to lunge
through my window, grab the offending individual by the ankles and then swing
their body against the cement until their bones are liquefied inside their flesh
. I mean, what do they think, I just carry around dead bodies for fun? Like I
take one with me whenever I go through the drive through at Carl's Junior? Yeah
Pal, I sure do, I just LOVE dead corpses, I just always gotta have one with me,
at home, in the car, wherever good times are had...cripes.
Also, fair warning; You will encounter morons who will yell
out "Ghostbusters!" because they think your car looks like Ecto 1. These are
people who do not realize that the car they are heckling is usually about 20
years older, a completely different body type and usually not even the same
color. It's like saying Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson are the same person
because they share some similarities. Sure, they're both blondes with bigger breasts than most city building
permits should allow, but one is a talented country gospel singer and the other is a
filthy bimbo.
Anyway, I digress. This is about buying yourself a hearse, not the
morons that you will encounter on a daily basis once you have bought one.
There are some things that you must know before buying a
hearse. If this is to be a car that you even use recreationally, you should bear these
facts in mind: A hearse usually gets about 10 to 15 miles per gallon on a good day. You
can expect a mechanical problem at least every 30 to 60 days or so. Some of these problems will
be simple, like needing more oil, or a blown fuse, others will be living waking nightmares
from which there will never be any rest. Your only possible release from these problems
being either the eventual sale of the hearse to someone else, or your own death. I am not
messing around with you here people. My hearse has problems that have been 'fixed'
dozens of times and keep returning.
A lot of common hearse problems are easily noticeable by the fact that
they will cause an unpleasant, nagging noise from your engine compartment. This is usually
an excellent indicator that there is a problem present. You can take care of it one of
three ways:
1. Fix the problem yourself
2. Pay a certified mechanic to fix the problem
3. Buy a stereo that is loud enough to drown out the noise of the afore
mentioned problem. I personally have remedied a lot of mechanical woes this way, I just
make sure that the stereo is at least 80 db at all times, and I never worry one bit.
Yes, you may be one of those people who can afford to buy a
hearse for $5,000 that has no problems and has been stored indoors all it's life, but chances are you are not, your like the rest of us
who just want something cool and should be willing to make some of the
sacrifices that come with it. I strongly recommend that you learn some basic
auto repair skills. You might not want to, but it will save you hundreds in
repair bills and is strangely addictive. I personally love the people who give
me this line-
"Oh, I don't need to learn how to work on my hearse. My
brothers uncle in laws cousin is a certified mechanic and he'll rebuild my
entire engine for a pack of Bud Light."
Ok, not to call bullshit on you or anything, but I am going to
do exactly that. Even if you do know this magical person who will do $3500
repairs for a $5 container of beer, the fact of the matter is this - After about
the 5th time in a row you call them because you can't take care of your
own vehicle, they are probably going to tell you to eat root. Look at it this
way, I personally fix my own cars all the time, and you know what? Even though I
own the car, and it personally benefits me to fix it, I don't really want to work on it all the time. It's my pride and
joy, but after 6 repairs in a row, I don't want to look at the damned thing, let
alone work on it, so what makes you
think someone else wants to work on your POS? Unadulterated altruistic love of
seeing the look of joy on your face as they put your crappy car back together
again for slave wages? Hell no, get real. Learn to work on your own car and
save time and money, that is all there is to it. It's not all that hard, for the
most part all you usually have to do is look for the part that is spewing the
liquid it is not supposed to be spewing, pull it off, take it over to the parts
store and get a new one. ATTENTION!
One thing to keep an eye out for is the seller that claims the
car is worth more because it is 'rare'
If you have some seller asking your for a few extra thousand
dollars for some rusting bucket of bolts that needs paint because it is 'rare'
chances are good that you can walk that one right over to the B.F.D. file
because ALL HEARSES ARE RARE. Prior to 1977 there were so many combinations of
body types, interior styles, fabric selections and colors that it is rare you
ever see two that are exactly alike. Occasionally you will see one that has an
uncommon feature, but it usually hardly makes it worth ANY more money at all,
and anyone telling you that a post 1977 car (say a 1985 S&S for example) is rare
is full of it.
Also, the next paragraph, read it and heed it-
There is NO 501, 502 or ANY OTHER standard Cadillac engine
larger than the 500. END OF STORY. I hear this all the time, the "Oh yeah, my
car has the 502 in it" and it never fails to make me want to hit the person with
a Chilton's manual (a double insult since not only am I assaulting them, I am
doing it with a really crappy, uninformative book that tries to pass itself off
as a serious piece of reference material). This misinformation was started by goobs who could not read
their engine tags correctly and just started making assumptions that were wildly
incorrect about their engine size. IT DOES NOT EXIST. If you can find me any
REAL documentation, like say a Cadillac owners manual that makes any reference
to this mythical beast of an engine, then I will delete this paragraph and make
a full public apology.
Another thing I hear a lot is this line-
"I want a hearse, but it needs to be one that doesn't need a
lot of repairs, is reliable, in great shape and gets good gas mileage as well.
If it could be under $1500 that would be great"
Ok, and when the Leprechaun shows up with the keys to this
dream hearse of yours as well as the pot of gold and the extra three inches
added to your reproductive organ you send him my way next, because this is a
fairy tail. There is no such car and here is why:
1. Hearses are USED cars. Unless you want to spend $75,000 on
a new one you are going to end up doing repairs.
2. Hearses are big cars, there is no such thing as good
mileage on a 7,000+ pound vehicle.
If such a magic hearse existed, everyone in this club would own one.
The other thing to bear in mind is that these are commonly
perceived as
'Fun' cars, or that they are going to be a great vehicle to cruise around in and relax in.
THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! Hearses are great cars, but they are also hellish bitch
goddesses that
are only truly happy when every ounce of your soul and money have been put forward for
their own well being. If you get a hearse, KNOW that it will only be truly content once
you have spent endless hours loving it, working on it, and spending every last dime you
have to your name on it! No, do not even put a little cash aside to buy food to keep
yourself nourished, because I swear the car will know! It will sense that you
have not given it all that there is to your name, and it will develop ANOTHER major
mechanical problem!
Ok, so that out of the way, you are ready to start looking for a hearse.
But what are the approximate values for different hearses, and how do you tell what you
are getting or even what you are looking at?
What type of hearse are you seeking out? Do you
want the classic uniform hearse (I.E. Landau bars, casket table, only Cadillac with big
fins) or are you open to anything?
As a general rule, the older the hearse, the more
you can expect to pay. The most common years when you are looking for fins on a Cadillac
product are 1958 to 1964. These hearses are popular because they embody the classic look
of a funeral car in their luxury and excess. A hearse in these years can range from a
rusty but restorable coach for about $3000 on up to a restored coach for $15,000
plus.
Here is a 1959 Cadillac Superior. Look familiar? It should, not only as
the 59 was the year of both the hearse in Harold and Maude, as well as
Ghostbusters (which was a Miller Meteor), but
it is THE most sought after year. Many people will tell you that it is hopeless to look
for one. I think that a closer approximation of the truth would be nearly impossible.
However, in the time that I have been in this hobby, I have run into several for sale. One
was as low as $2,300 (and in terrible shape) to another that appeared in the Auto Trader
for only $7,5000 and was nearly perfect. If this is the ONLY hearse you want, then
inevitably, you will find one. Fair warning, save up about $7000 to $16,000 or more, in
preparation for when that day comes!
From the years 1965 to approximately
1976, the
price is pretty much the same. You can expect to pay as low as $1000 or so for a decent hearse
that needs some work and may not be the prettiest in the world but looks good as is, up to
about $6500 or so for a great looking hearse with all the bells and whistles in these
years. If you are looking at a coach built in these years and it is more than $3500, it
should be spotless, have no rust at all, and have some truly kick ass features.
Otherwise, the seller is asking too much for a car that is not worth it.
Most of the hearses you will run into will be Cadillac, so
there are a few quick hallmark years to be on the lookout for. From 1957 to 1964
was the timeframe for fins. 1965 on marked the death of the fin, but a common
theme of the elongated taillights in the rear quarter panel. 1976 was the last
year of Cadillac's huge body styles and 1977 on featured smaller, more compact
cars due to the high gas prices of the time. If you are looking for a cheap hearse, and all you care about is the fact
that it is a hearse, look in the years from 1977 to about 1989. These are the
funeral cars that are going the cheapest currently and in many cases can be
bought from the funeral home at absurdly low prices. I have seen many examples
of such cars going for well under $1000. If someone is trying to sell you any
hearse from 1977 to 1989 for over sat $1600 they are taking you for a ride, and
not a good one. You'll be overpaying when you could just spend more time looking
and less money buying.
What is your maximum price range for the pro-car
you want?
Would you be willing to travel or purchase out of
state?
Can you pay to have it delivered if it is out of
state?
Do you have adequate parking for a
hearse?
Things to beware of:
Windshields are almost universally
exclusive to hearses, and side windows are just as bad. If the coach has
side windows that are flat, like a pane of glass on an office building, no problems, that
can be reproduced and cut easily. If the glass has even the slightest curve to it, it is
tempered and you will need to find a parts hearse to obtain glass from. In short, broken
glass is very detrimental to the value of the car. A
standard commercial (most hearses and ambulances) windshield will often run about
$700
for a pre-80’s car. Oldsmobile, Pontiac and other non-Cadillac cars are
even more difficult in some cases to find glass for. If you DO get a hearse and all the glass
is there, then I recommend you immediately take it to your insurance company and
have them inspect it. Statefarm offers a policy called Comprehensive with Glass
that can be obtained with a zero deductible for usually less than $150 every 6
months. It is a WISE investment as even one broken pane will pay for this, plus
it covers vandalism claims which is something you are probably going to have at
some point because people are dicks and will fuck with your car, accept it and
prepare for it or you will have no one to blame but yourself when your car gets
screwed with and you have no money to fix it. This comprehensive policy also
covers vandalism, which is a BIG problem when you own a hearse. The price is
negligible to get this insurance and failing to do so will make you the fool
when something happens and you are stuck footing the bill. Obsolete engines:
Hearses in the 1970’s and 80 are still good runners in most
cases and are easy to find parts for, however, as a general rule going back
prior to the 70’s, parts are harder to find. A car that is going for $400 but
has an obscure engine with major problems may not be worth it if you are
unwilling to give the time needed to locate parts. Unseen coaches:
Did your prom date look better in the pictures than she did in
real life? Probably so, and so it is as well with coaches. Many flaws cannot be
seen through the camera eye, and you can never ascertain the running condition
until actually driving the car itself. Be careful of cars you have not made
direct contact with and are buying based off of a few jpeg images or photos
someone sent you. Take a look at this... This
car looks pretty nice, right? Based on this picture would you say it had a
fairly straight body? You'd never know
it, but this car had serious undercarriage rust, a rusted frame and LARGE portions of
the door was actually masking tape painted black, but it LOOKS good in pictures,
doesn't it? We call these 20/20 cars. They look good at 20 miles per hour or 20
feet away. This is not to say people are
intentionally trying to deceive you, it is just an attempt to point out that you
are almost always going to find the car is never as mint as you thought it would
be, so don't be surprised if there are extra dings and such. Reanimated corpses hiding under passenger
side seat:
Be sure to lift all the seat cushions
and check for the undead. A zombie is generally a bad thing to have in your car,
and are near impossible to get rid of once you have them.
Also because they are dead, they smell awful, worse than hippies. If upon receiving your
car you find it has a drooling unholy creature from hell in it, check with your local
parts store for Zombie spray. Also, some insurance plans cover damage caused by drooling
unholy creatures from hell, check on your insurance cards for the abbreviation D.U.C.H. to
see if your policy covers acts of Zombie. A car under the control of zombies is
an extra investment because you are going to have to shoot them in the head to
put them down for good, and if you don't own a gun you are already putting in
more money to get one. Incidentally, if you car was owned by hippies, you'll know.
They ALWAYS have a Grateful Dead sticker in the back window because hippies
think that is the worlds funniest joke, you know, because the name is Grateful
DEAD, and it's on a HEARSE, which is used for the DEAD! Yuk, yuk, yuk. Damn, I
hate hippies. - Now then, being that there are many different types of hearses, this
section is designed to help you identify some of the trademark features and traits that
will let you know who made the hearse you are looking at. In nearly all cases, looking at
the design of the back end will tell you who made it if you can identify the the details,
for that reason, many of the following pictures are close ups of these very features. These are the main styles of hearses: LANDAU
This refers to the chrome bar on the side of the casket compartment.
This is the most distinctive trademark of hearses to date. FULL WINDOW, or LIMO STYLE This stlye of hearse lacked the landau bar, and instead favored a full
window design all the way around the car instead. COMBINATION (A combo of hearse AND ambulance!)
A hearse that was
equipped with both funeral and ambulance equipment. In
the old days, funeral homes ran ambulance services as well as funeral services. This
called for some cars to double as both funeral cars and ambulances, featuring casket
rollers, AND lights, sirens, gurneys, and oxygen equipment. Some even had removable landau
panels, as illustrated by this car. Look closely and you can see the seams where the
landau bar panels detach from the body on some combos. 3-WAY HEARSE
Considered by many to be the best style available, 3-way hearses
featured no center divider (the thin wall with the glass window, much like a limousine) between the front and back interior, but instead had suicide doors, and a
casket table that would extend out the back doors as well as the side of the car as well,
so as to allow a funeral to be loaded from the curbside. Notice the suicide
doors, which are necessary to unload the casket from the side. Important note,
just because a hearse has suicide doors does not necessarily mean it is a 3 way,
if there is a center partition it is an endloader. ENDLOADER The most common type of hearse available, the endloader featured a
center divider, and no casket table at all. Instead, the floor was outfitted only with
casket rollers to ease the coffin into place. In some cases endloaders have suicide doors,
but more often than not, the sport regular doors. Also common on and endloader is a center
partition, a wall just behind the drivers compartment that seperates the front and rear.
While some endloaders, like Oldsmobile and Pontiac, may or may not sport a center
partition, you will NEVER see a 3-way hearse with a center partition. Some
hearses that are endloaders will sometimes have a casket table that extends only
out the rear door and not the side doors. This was present on many S&S
hearses and a few Miller Meteors. Who makes hearses? Most of the time, as a new hearse owner, you are jumping into this thing
cold, with no idea what makes one different from the other, that is the way I started
out, this part gives you a loose idea of coach builers: Hearses are made from Cadillac, Buick, Olds, etc but they are
not made by these companies. What happens is this: The car company ( ie:
Cadillac, Oldsmobile ) makes the frame, called a commercial chassis, a slightly longer
frame than a normal car. This commercial chassis includes the engine, the front fenders,
hood, grill, bumper, and a few other parts like tail lights, dashboard, seat, and steering
wheel. This frame is then shipped to a company that does nothing but make hearses. They
fabricate the doors, roof, interior, even most of the glass, on a purely custom basis.
This make finding parts a bonifide pain in the ass. Anyway, there are several large hearse makers out there, and this is a
quick guide on how to distinguish the large ones: SUPERIOR
One of the most common hearses in production, Superior was responsible
for mass production numbers of funeral vehicles and ambulances. Superior built on Cadillac
chassis with a wide variety of styling. The most common way of telling one of these
hearses is the chrome above the rear quarter panel. Unlike the M&M, Superior raised
this chrome strip several inches as the line approached the rear of the hearse.
Another striking style present in Superior was the 'C-pillar' of the
rear casket door. This last pillar in the door slanted dramatically forward, giving the
car a sleek and dynamitc 'In motion' look, though mid-70's, the slanted doors all but
disappeared from Superior styling. Another thing to keep in mind is that S&S shared
the raised chrome piece, and Eureka shared the slanted casket doors, while both Eureka and
S&S shared these styles to a much lesser extent (as can be seen an compared below)
they were present, and can throw you for a loop when trying to identify the hearse if you
are not aware of the subtle differences. Superior was the parent company of Consort. CONSORT
This offshoot of Superior was responsible for making Pontiac Bonneville
based pro-cars. Sharing the same style as larger Superior hearses and ambulances, Consorts
also usually had more head room than Cotner Bevington, their main competetor in the
economy pro-car industry. SAYERS AND SCOVILL (Also known as S&S) This company, known formally as Sayers and Scovill, was purchased by
Hess and Eisenhart in 1942, was responsible for a slightly more ritzy funeral car. Their
ads were geared towards funeral directors who were attracted to the idea of a costly, yet
elegant funeral car. One ad for S&S was headlined by the phrase "Of course it
costs more" reflecting this slightly esoteric companies regard for their
craftsmanship. In case you really wanted to know, NO, S&S was not really better than
any other hearse, as they built from the exact same Caddy chassis, and shared similarities
with all other coach builders. The raised chrome piece is also present (to a lesser extent
as seen here) Note that it is similar to the chrome piece pictured for Superior, but that
it is smaller and more subdued. Side mounted lamps are also a common S&S trait, as seen here. Most
prevalant on S&S, but just because the hearse sports a side lamp does not mean it HAS
to be an S&S. Miller Meteor as well as Eureka also had this feature. MILLER METEOR (Also known as M&M) A large player in the field, Miller Meteors are easily distinguished by
a straight chrome piece above the rear quarter panel and below the landau bar. This chrome
is a straight piece all the way across the back door. Notice that the chrome does not
raise at all in any manner, as opposed to Superior and S&S. Another indicator is the metal plate behind the casket compartment
doors. All hearses had this plate, but M&M plates were graced by this pointed cross.
Another way to tell? Look for the M&M logo, usually a metal insignia on the rear
quarter panel COTNER BEVINGTON These hearses were made by an offshoot of Miller Meteor. CB hearses were
known for being a lot cheaper (up to $5000 less than Cadillac hearses) and being faster as
well. Of course these cars were also favored as ambulances due to their smaller size and
greater speed. The way to identify a CB is to look at it and see if it is an Oldsmobile
98, as this was the ONLY car this company made professional vehicles out of. A common
practice in ambulance services was to have a few Cadillacs (which were far more costly
than CB's) and perhaps a Cotner Bevington ambulance as a secondary rescue vehicle. In
ambulance form, these little cars, along with Pontiac Consorts, were considered to be the
fastest cars to use as rescue vehicles. EUREKA Where to start? Eureka was in operation until 1964 when it closed up
shop. The best way to identify a Eureka is either the signature landau bars or the stream
lined appearance of the body. The best thing about Eureka was the solid construction of their doors. A
great many hearses suffer through time, their doors start to sag and clatter (especially
while in motion) Eureka doors were mounted slightly more sturdily and hence, do not drag
and make as much noise as other hearses. NATIONAL National-
So relatively rare, I had a hard time even finding a photo of this builder! A coachmaker that was in operation in
Indiana. National was one of the greatest, not because of their size or numbers of
production (which was lower than the other hearse companies) but the fact that they would
build a hearse out of ANY car you asked them to. They were responsible for one of the only
60's Mercury hearses out there. They built on a vast variety of cars, so the only way to
identify a National, is to ask the owner, or look for a nameplate on the side of the car. FLXIBLE These cars are made by the strangley named outfit in Loudonville Ohio,
this company went out of business in 1965f. How do you tell if it is a Flxible? It is a
Buick, most likely. If you are looking for a rare hearse, with some distinctive features,
this would be the one for you! FINDING THE ACTUAL HEARSE Where do you get hearses from? Well there are several good sources, so
I'll start with the easiest. Calling funeral homes is a good start, many times a funeral
home has a decent hearse that they are willing to part with in favor of buying a newer
model. Another place to look is current hearse owners. See, here is the thing:
Many people buy a hearse thinking that it will be a good times car, a recreational
vehicle. They do not plan to invest anything, they just plan to let it sit most of the
year and take it out Super Bowl Sunday and on Halloween. They failed to take into account
the fact that if you leave a car sitting, inevitably, things will break, seals in the
engine will dry, batteries will go dead, etc. Their neighbors sometimes complain, their
wife does not like having a 22 foot long embodiment of death in the driveway, or they
have it stored on the street where it is accumulating parking tickets. These hearses have, in many cases, become more than the owner bargained
for, they have become burdens and eyesores. Of course there are the people who buy hearses
and are enthusiasts who love and care for the cars, but when you pull up to a hulk that
has 2 months of dirt on the hood, you know who you are dealing with right away. Now, this is going to be The most important piece of information in
this whole article!!! Get some money together AHEAD OF TIME!!! I am dead serious here. Many
people start looking for hearses, yet they have no money saved. They think that
the seller wants to wait around a few months for them to scrounge up the pennies
to buy their hearse. This does no good at all,
I know that it would seem to go without saying, but you would be surprised by the vast
amount of people who fail to make the connection between "I want to buy
something" and "I don't have any money" that contributes to their failure
when trying to buy a hearse. They seem to think that they are going to find a
mint condition hearse for sale and that the seller is going to jump at the
opportunity to sell it to them on the installment plan of $100 a month for the
next 2 years. Not going to happen people. People who are selling a car outright, say by
advertising it in the paper or on the Internet, are not in the mood to wait around. By
the time you get there, chances are they have already heard from several prospective
buyers already, and are sick of the ‘We will let you know’ response. I once sold a hearse for $3000, a mint 67 M&M 3-way. I had a lot of
people come to look at it. I would have gladly taken as low as $1600 for the car provided
that the person was someone who would take as good of care of the car as I had and that
they had the money right there. I ended up selling the hearse to a haunted house
that made me the highest offer, and had the money instantly. When you go up to this current hearse owners house, it is
immensely influential to have the cash right there, so even if it is less than they want to sell the
car for, you can have the cash now. Look at it from their perspective: This person is at
the door with say $1000. Sure they wanted $2500 for the hearse, but it has been sitting
for a while, their wife has been nagging them about selling it, they never do anything
with it anyway. They can either take the money, be $1000 richer than they were 2 minutes
ago and be rid of the burden, or they can just go back to the couch and watch the rest of
Wheel of Fortune. The choice is clear for most people. No, some people will not sell for
that cheap, but it is just an example. Also, hearse clubs hate having members who
constantly bitch about not owning a hearse, yet have no job, hence have no money. These
people are in a constant state of bewilderment because they cannot figure out why they do
not own a hearse yet. They just figure that they must live in the ONLY CITY on the entire
planet where people do not walk up to random strangers on the street and say "HEEEEY,
you look like you would look really snazzy driving around in a hearse, here, have the keys
to this 1959 Superior 3-way, compliments of ME, and a total lack of REALITY" No, this
will not EVER happen to ANYONE, EVER. If you have no money, AND yet you still have no
hearse, this is what we on planet Earth call a connection. So now, with that in mind, here are some dealers to try: Hemmings Motor News This is an actual publication that lists thousands of cars every month,
and some of them are in fact hearses. Somewhat difficult to find, you may want to try your
local automotive literature dealer. They are also online at http://www.hemmings.com/ Carl Woerner runs this Cincinatti based operation.
A word of advice for getting a hearse: This man is your best bet all around, he is honest
and his hearses are fair in price. If you are serious, get some money, go to Cincinnati
and take a full day or two to look around his many lots. Talking to Carl on the phone may
heed results, but he is a busy man, and does not have a lot of time to go over his entire
inventory. Plus many of his cars are not listed on his Internet site. T&N United Coach and Limousine I have seen some good solid coaches roll off of
their lot. W.R. Bennett Funeral Coaches Rance Bennet is the name if you are in Michigan.
In general, his cars run higher on price, but he has some nice wheels. Trader Online Ebay, Ebay, EBAY!!! DHA Classifieds For our own classifieds, click here
Copyright © 2005 Denver Hearse Association. All Rights Reserved. |
