Zachary's Big list of stuff you should check out
Last updated 10/8/05
First and foremost, forget Joe Cartoon, if you want a good time on the internet, you need to go to www.homestarrunner.com which is the funniest damned site on the internet. Check out the section where StrongBad checks his emails, that is the best. 'It's crazygonuts' Also, check out http://www.oddtodd.com for some kick ass flash (ok, the flash itself is a bit lazy, but the toons are funny as anything...)
Movies I recommend-
Allow me to preface this with a statement. I am a fan of cinema. I get to every movie early just to see the coming attractions. I like movies for their merit, not who directed them or how goth they are. Too many movies get recognized just because they have a specific director or theme. I hate Tim Burton and his boyfriends Danny Elfman and Johnny Depp, he has come up with a formula for EVERY DAMNED MOVIE HE EVER DOES and it wasn't a good formula to begin with.
Here I would also be thinking of Lord of the Rings, which was too damned long, too weeping vagina for my tastes and just plain sucked and no amount of majestic scenery will change that fact. The thing is, sure they cinematography was majestic, but that's part of the problem. No matter WHAT they were doing in Lord of the Ass Rings it was like the most beautiful scene EVER. If there was a scene in which Frodo was taking a crap, you can bet it would be in front of the most majestic mountains ever seen, with soaring skys, rays of light, bursting plains, flowing blue rivers, Panda bears successfully mating and giving birth and flowers blooming into butterflies that pissed gold necklaces and then flew away to do charity work. There would be at least 7 closeups of Frodo's overly soulful eyes during this sequence as well.
There was never a scene in which they were just walking and looked around and went "Man, this place is a shit hole compared to the Elf's crib".
The point is, the movies you see here are quality recommendations, not over CGI animated crap. I realize that taste in art and expression are subjective to the beholder, but let me assure you, I am completely without error in judgment, and if you disagree with me, you are a bad person with poorly formulated ideas who is probably a horse feltcher.
Equilibrium - If you have not seen this movie, GO BUY IT. Do not rent it, there is no use in that. I watched my copy 4 times the first week that I bought it. To say anything about this sci-fi/action masterpiece does not do it justice. See it with an open mind and watch carefully, you will not be disappointed
Batman Begins -AT LAST! Someone finally set straight the abominations that Tim Burton released as Batman movies. This is the first Batman movie in history to not make a mockery of the comic. A beautiful back story, a Bruce Wayne that you can actually like, and a Batmobile that kicks true ass (Which was not just some CGI vehicle either. All Batmobile stunts were done by real life vehicles designed for the movie)
Dodgeball -Just another brilliant Ben Stiller movie. If you do not like this movie, you are a bastard. Furthermore, I hope your mother contracts butt aids.
Sin City -The Jackie Boy story is a bit annoying, but see it for Marv. God I love Marv.
One Hour Photo -Robin Williams proving that he does not suck ass. Don't watch this movie if you intend to get any film developed or sleep for the next week or so.
Badder Santa -I first saw this movie when I was making out with Amber and I felt pretty damned bad because it kept cracking me up even in the background. Truly gritty humor, get the BadDER Santa version (unrated) not the BAD Santa version, trust me.
Dawn of the Dead -A remake that actually surpasses George Romero's overrated zombie flick. The soundtrack includes Johnny Cash and Richard Cheese, what more do you want? And there be tittays too.
Millennium -Chris Christopherson in his most astounding role since...uhm...hold on...I know he had to have been in something besides this movie...hasn't he? Well fuck it, he was in this movie and it rocked. See this movie if you don't mind B Flick action/sci fi. Not for anyone who feels the subject of time travel has been adequately explored.
Honorable mentions go to Reno 911, Saw, Joe Dirt, Matchstick Men,Not Another Teen Movie,Anchorman - The Legend of Ron Burgandy
L.I.E. This is a brilliant movie starring Brian Cox...I cannot really go into the story here because really the concept of the movie sounds either offensive or insipid when you try to say what it is, just take my word for it that there has not been a more riveting and surprising movie since American History X.
Star Trek Nemesis- Screw all the haters. Nemesis was great and Tom Hardy kicks ay-ass.
28 Days Later- Europe produced something that was not totally gay and pansey? I'm as surprised as you are, but indeed, 28 Days Later was not only THE best zombie flick ever, but it was a great movie outside the zombie theme. No annoying screaming bimbos, no dumb people doing dumb things and getting killed, it was actually a movie that played out exactly like you could expect a planetary crisis would in the real world.
Spider Man- Damn, I have only one more movie to add to the list since I last updated this list. Spiderman. When I was little I wanted to be a pilot for Voltron. Now that I am older, I can see how silly of a childhood aspiration that was...now I can obviously see I should have wanted to be Spiderman. Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention Lord of the Rings!!! I could have added LOTR to the list of great movies I really love and that were totally awesome...except for one small detail...LOTR fucking sucked!!! As Yoda would say "Expensive CGI Graphics, a good movie, do not make." Coincidentally I am not a fan of Tolkien either. Anyone who rambles on for four pages about how much damned food someone has in their backpack is BORING. Sorry. Go ahead, write me letters about how great this film really is, blab, blah, blah, they shall be, as Strongbad says "DELETED!" Spiderman however was a truly great flick. In addition to not sucking like LOTR, it also wins the lifetime achievement award for "Most obviously erect nipples onscreen" which was previously coveted by Batman and his armored nipples and before that the entire cast of The Craft. If you have seen The Craft you know which scene I am talking about, the one where it appears they must have used a couple of pounds of ice to stiffen up everyone's nipples prior to a really long slow motion shot of them walking through the cafeteria.
Super Troopers: This is what the highway patrol would be like if One Way Jay and I ran the show. Basically State Patrol going around and fucking with people. Great lines include "It stinks like sex in here" and "Who wants a mustache ride?"
The Time Machine (2002 remake)- Time travel, with sexy results. Did you know that time traveling 800,000 years into the future will gradually transform you from a meek, mild mannered scientist, into a tousled, yet ruggedly handsome post apocalyptic anti hero stud muffin? It's true! Seriously though, the movie is based off of the classic, but strays enough from the original plot to classify as a creative vision. There is also a great scene showing the reason that the Earth was plunged into decimation. Also includes Orlando Jones who, despite being thrown into a bleak planetary future as an all knowing omnipedia of all human knowledge, is still basically "That 7-Up guy"
Joyride- This is a movie that will tap into everyone's innate fear that some day they will go on a road trip, pick up their brother, buy a CB radio, and tease a trucker who will then set about a nonstop roller coaster ride of tense, wicked thrills and terrifying action. Wait, no one actually has fears that elaborate...but that is what happens in this movie.
Jeepers Creepers- No one else seems to like this movie as much as Amy and I, but the fact is, it rocks. How the hell can you argue with a demon who drives a beat up old truck and whistles while he tears your head off? You just can't. If you thought, like me, that Siouxsie and the Banshee's song "Peek-a-boo" was the shittiest song ever made by the crappiest artist to ever live, we were both wrong because there is a scene in Jeepers Creepers where some no name studio artist remakes this timeless, and tuneless piece of crap into an even shittier song. Yes, I know this would SEEM impossible, sort of like trying to imagine INFINITY, but yes, something out there sucks worse than Siouxsie.
They Live- A classic of science fiction. Out of work drifter (WWF's Rowdy Roddy Piper, no joke) stumbles across a terrifying truth when he discovers a pair of sunglasses that reveal that many people on planet earth are actually aliens disguised as humans. A nice thought was the glasses ability to see secret messages beneath the print in magazine adds, and billboards, messages like 'Consume' 'Stay Asleep' and 'Obey'. Even dollar bills contain the words 'This is your God'. Two relevant high points to this movie include the line "I am here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I am all out of bubble gum" and the longest ass fight scene you ever saw which consists of Piper and Keith David fighting about the glasses. "Put the fucking glasses on!" Shouts Piper, "Fuck you!" David replies, and then they hit each other a bunch. This is the repartee for like, no shit, 10 minutes. Also starring Meg Foster as a...uhm....you know, I could not actually tell you what her career was in the movie. Apparently it was not of tantamount importance, at least not in comparison to watching an ex-wrestler and a black guy duke it out in a vaguely Homo-erotic fight sequence.
Other Favorite Movies:
Resident Evil (Alexi, my hearse, was named after the underground railroad train the Alexi 5000 from this movie) Fight Club, The Matrix, Shafted, Ghostbusters, American History X, Men in Black, High Fidelity, Transformers the movie, Phantasm III, We're all Devo, Tromeo and Juliet, 12 Monkeys, Dudes (Penelope Speeris) Suicide Kings, Devils Advocate, Scent of a Woman, and Harold and Maude, Dead Poets Society, South Park the Movie, anything from www.homestarrunner.com.
Some new kick ass music I have been listening to:
Lately I have been listening to a lot of Clock DVA...there is something about songs like Eternity and Buried Dreams that speaks to a part of my soul that I never usually feel. These songs are going to be primary influences on the future of Alexi and my art...I have also been listening to a lot of VAST and Red Flag (the band that wrote Russian Radio)
S.P.O.C.K.- Short for Star Pilot On Channel K, this Star Trek themed techno/electronic band is a favorite. Great songs include their self titled theme song, Alien Attack, Reactivated, Babylon 5, Never Trust a Klingon, Space Seed and pretty much anything they have written.
Stromkern-My Salvation, Armageddon, Melt, Night Riders, Paradise, Do You Remember, Castaway (Most kickass Stromkern song EVER)
Funkervogt- March On, Tragic Hero
Other Favorite songs
Numb, Blood, Fugue
Fictional- Hangman, Blue Lights
Assemblage 23- Divide
Front 242 Rerun Time, Terminal State, Don't Crash
Birmingham 6- You cannot walk here
Information Society- Everything. I have been an Insoc fan since I was in the 8th grade, and it is funny, you know those people who claim to LOVE Information Society but only know "What's on your mind"? Those people make me fucking SICK! Insoc wrote an assload of songs that were WAY better than that and just because the crappy top 40 radio stations never played them does not mean they don't exist. I swear, sometimes it really seems that there must be an existential state that the mass of the United States lives in wherein if it is not recognized by MTV, it is not an actual reality. Cripes. Regardless, a few of my favorites are Walking away, If Only, Think, Controversy, Fall in line, Are Friends Electric (a Gary Newman remake) the Ridge, Mirror Shades, and damned near every other song they made.
Informatic- Watching you, watching me, Nightlife
Eco- Hass and Liebe
Dead Can Dance- Most everything.
Warlock Pinchers, Curious George and the Ayatollah, Island of the Misfit Toys
And One- Panzermensch, Techno Man, Deutschmachine
Funkervogt- March on, Tragic Hero
Insane Clown Posse-Wagon, Wagon, What is a Juggalo, The entire Ringmaster Album
Devo- Anything, but especially Peek-A-Boo, Beautiful World and Going Under
Weird Al- It's all about the Pentiums, Germs, Dare to be stupid
Ogre- Lucid, Water
Beborn Beton- Another World
Wolfsheim- Touch, Once in a lifetime
KMFDM- Stray Bullet, Adios, Torture, DIY, Today, That's All, Down and Out
Die Form- Blood is thicker than water, Savage Logic
Das Ich- Destillat
Johnny Cash- Ring of Fire, I walk the line, Fulsom Prison blues, That old wheel
The Offspring-Yes, I listen to the Offspring, why? Well, first of all, they were the first to realize that punk music did not have to suck musically. Now a lot of people point out "Heeyyyyyy! Offspring isn't PUNK! They are not hardcore!" I would however like to point to the fact that 90% of the 'Punk rockers' out there are under the age of 25, and not to pull rank, but the Offsrpring has been around WAY longer than these punks, and show a little fucking respect for your elders. Coincidentally this band also has THE BEST engineering on their albums. An exhaustive analysis has concluded that my Offspring cd's are easily a good 30% louder than anything else I own, which is important when making an entrance at a hearse club meet.
Project Pitchfork- Temptation, We are one (mirror)
VNV Nation- Further
Rammstien- Tier, Engel
Honorable mention goes to the 69 Boys who wrote the timeless classic Tootsie Roll. Now, I love these guys for a couple of reasons, first of all, you put in a song like "The Weenie Train" in a car full of goths, they will first look at you as though you have inserted your thumb in their rectum in an attempt to use them as hand puppets, then they will most likely try to climb out a window as soon as you bring the car below 50 MPH. I remember we used to listen to Weenie Train on our way to Waffle House. If you don't have these in your state, allow me to elaborate on the staggering shittiness that is Waffle House. This is first off, the ONLY restaurant that cannot even make it's rancid food look good even on the menu. I mean, if you cannot church your shit up and make it look passable on paper using an airbrush, you are falling WAY short of any hallmark measurement of quality imaginable. Waffle House also has a juke box that has songs about Waffle House that, as I am told, are all sung by the owners wife.
At any rate, we used to sing along to Weenie Train and replace it with Waffle House lyrics "Don't miss that train, don't miss that waffle train!"
Also, check this out: The 1994 album consists of 21 songs- 20 songs about booty and 1 song about Hennessy. I mean, you just have to admire that level of commitment to ass love. Being an ass man myself, I feel a strong connection to this sort of single minded interest in booty. Yeah, you think I am fooling but I aint.