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The Amazing Ambulance Auction

These were taken on a road trip to Kansas City Missouri for an amazing ambulance auction that happened in 2016. I found word of it online and didn't spend a dime that I didn't have to for months just to have the money to go to this auction. I didn't think I'd win anything, in my experiences auctions are usually people who will battle to the death over horrible things that are nearly worthless just to prove something but I figured it was worth a shot.

I walked away with 2 ambulances.

For those interested in my winning auction strategies...keep guessing because there's no way I am sharing that shit!


Showing up in Kansas City at 4 AM I had no clue where anything was so I slept in the car outside this church until it was time to wake up and go to the auction.


The church's graveyard.





Pretty much all of Kansas City looks like a Olen Mills backdrop or maybe a Windows screensaver.







The Storage facility where the cars were stored...although considering the condition of the cars, it might be better classified as an aquarium.




Ok, I lied, I will share two solid auction strategies, dress and act like you have a lot of money and bring a hot chick to distract the other bidders. Since I walked away with 2 cars, several sirens and a stack of landau bars, I'd say my strategy was solid AF bitches.
















Most of the cars came with some form of a thriving ecosystem. Here we see the rich marshland/swamp that had developed in the Oldsmobile I won




The Pontiac




The entire field full of old ass ambulances up for auction






The battery compartment of one of the rides


















The Lifeliner I was hoping to win as well but got beat out on, still a great score


Lake Lifeliner. Not pictured: Quality windshield workmanship.










This one went for $1200, the highest price paid for any procar at the auction. No clue why someone spent that much on some rust with a hint of ambulance but there you go.






















If I remember correctly, these all went for about $50 each.














So...one of the guys at the auction goes "I hope none of the wheels are rusted in place on these cars!" and I thought to myself "What the fuck are you talking about? I've seen some shit in my day, I've never seen wheels rusted in place!"

Turns out, I aint seen shit. EVERY car at this auction seemed to have the drums rusted in place. When we came back the next day we saw evidence of pretty much every won car having been dragged up on a trailer in order to move it.











Kansas City looks like someone used the Photoshop Clone Stamp tool on Pueblo Colorado and dragged the cursor 600 miles and hit CTRL V.




Pictures like this always make people ask me "So did you throw a rock/break a window/beat some ass, etc while you were there?". People want to know what a guy like me would do if I was face to face with some of the worlds most notorious bigots. The answer might suprise you.

There was a long time where I honestly wished someone would just kill them all and their insane legacy of bullshit. Not a single tear would have been shed to see them all die but then something occurred to me: They do a tremendous amount of good in this world. They are, in fact responsible for forwarding the cause of tolerance and acceptance by an order of magnitude.

How can I say that?

Have you ever been guilty of bad behavior but seen someone else who is so much worse about it that it makes you question your own shittiness? Say, you're at work and you're frustrated over something not working right so you start swearing and throwing tools. Then a while later you see some guy TOTALLY lose it, freaking out, breaking shit, making a total ass of himself, doing what you did earlier but waaaaaay worse.

You see people acting like you do and occasionally you go "Wow, what a fucktard, I hope I don't personally look like that when I'm acting that way" It's a rare moment of mirrored clarity when you see that. Someone else shows you how your own ridiculous behavior looks and causes you to double think it.

I feel very strongly that this is Westboros main contribution to the world. A lot of people were really comfortable with casual intolerance or hatred for gays. Then they see these loons, freaking out over everything, pooring hate from every hole they have and going crazy over shit like the Easter Bunny (Seriously, that's one of the hills they want to fight and die on) then couple that with the anti-soldier bullshit and suddenly people go "Man, do I personally sound that stupid and horrible when I act like that about people being gay (Short answer, yup) and they go "Fuck that, I don't want to be anything like those people."

Also, I know it's not likely, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out at some point that it was actually their intent all along to troll bigots into backing off by showing them how absurd bigotry really is through the power of hyperbole. Here's a little known fact...how does WBC fund its crazy BS? Through their law practice!

Fred Phelps, the powerhouse behind the church was once a civil rights lawyer and personally fought against the Jim Crow laws.

Doesn't that seem weird? One thing about bigots is that they're usually pretty universally terrible and intolerant. You don't see a lot of them go "I'm ok with blacks and Jewish people but MAN I will string up an Australian any chance I get!" or "I'm fine with Mexican immigrants UNLESS they're gay"

Nope, bigots are generally the types who hate anything different and don't have a discerning palette. So how is someone who fought for civil rights for ethnic groups out there rallying against another groups rights? It's just an odd piece that doesn't add up to me and I'd love for the answer to be that we've all been witness to the greatest piece of subversive manipulation of our time.

It's probably not the case, but one can hope. Either way, Westboro Baptist Church, sincerely, thank you for all you've done for the gays. You guys rock.




The neighbors of WBC. Trolling and then some.



On our way back to rescue the Olds some months later










If you're curious what it takes to free frozen brake drums on a car this old: a metric ass ton of penetrating oil, a torch and hitting it with a hammer like it owes you money.





Lily pulling her weight, so like 105 lbs but whatever!





The prevailing attitude when on a job like this



Fucking around on the lot







Taco Bell victory dinner






Multiply this by 35k and you've got the drive back to Denver.




That guy is tailgating us!







Back in town to get James Pontiac after he bought it from me, yes it was as much of a pain to get this one rolling as it was the Olds.



If you're going to travel, stay at Best Western. Fuck expensive hotels like The Weston, that charge hundreds more and don't even come with a fridge!

This right here is the main reason I love BW though, the free continental breakfast with waffles. When I stay there it's my goal to eat them out of house and home when it comes to waffles. I want to eat so many that I bankrupt the local waffle economy. I want waffle executives to throw themselves out of skyscraper windows while their children cry in anguish while waiting in soup lines, cursing the god that abandoned them the day I showed up and brought with me what was to become known as "The Waffle-pocalypse"




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