Ok, so I am going to touch on a sensitive subject here. This is solely my opinion alone. I mention this because I know that this is a subject that people have heated opinions on so I will preface this by stating that if you like cats you might not want to read on because I wrote the following after having lived with several cats and my opinions on the felines of this planet are less than favorable.


The Gothic Babes community is doing a theme this week of "pets" which means that my friends list is filled with a metric assload of pictures of peoples cats. I mean, it is not just SOME cats, it is, as Chris puts it, a FUCK TON of cats. Cats out the ass.

I used to be a cat person until I had three of them. After that I realized that people have a common misperception about cats. Cats are not our friends, as humans. Cats are sociopaths that care not for your turmoil's or personal well being. Dave Barry said it best- "There are no seeing eye cats because the exact moment a cat figured out that a human would follow it anywhere it went it would immediately lead the person into unshielded industrial machinery."

People commonly mistake a felines desire to be fed with affection.

As I said, I had three cats. These cats hated each other with a vehement rage that made the Israeli / Palestinian conflict look like an old lady dispute over pancakes. If any one of these bastard creatures had access to C4 I just know there would have been a suicide bombing or worse in the 2 bedroom apartment.

Even with this violent conflict raging between the cats they still apparently had a sufficient amount of cooperation among the three of them to engage in the unifying mission that all cats have agreed to engage in against humans, a little strategy I like to refer to as "Operation Cat Shit"

The basic premise of Operation Cat Shit is for the feline populace to see if they can cover the entire planet, starting with our domiciles, to a depth of at least 3 feet of their own feces. They did a pretty good job on my apartment.

First of all, they would not use a clean litter box. If I cleaned the litter boxes they would truck out to the middle of the room and find some spot to defecate on that seemed appropriate (say, the exact middle of the floor) and let fly with their little mini cat logs. Now, obviously a degree of discretion was called for, so the cat, sensing this, would attempt to cover up their steaming pile of crap with something, usually it was some important paperwork that I had been toiling over the night before. This created an effect that I liked to call 'the skid plate' because the paper kept the crap from the air, so it was still moist on the ground. The paper also hid the crap, so in the middle of the night I would not see it, I would then step on the paper, which acted like a shit surfboard, and it would launch me onto my ass the minute I stepped onto it.

Now, if there was say, a weeks worth of rancid poop in the litter box, then they would ease up on the floor because they probably figured that the apartment now smelled sufficiently enough like their asses to satisfy stage one of their primary objective.

Speaking of crap, I had some ideas that I wanted to pass by you all.

Back in the day, there was a club here in Colorado called the Annex. It was by and large the worst Goth club...EVER. It was small, less than 1,200 square feet and was in the bottom of a gay bar. Most nights the drag queens from upstairs would come down to mock our dancing and heckle the Goths (how is THAT for some cold shit? Getting mocked by DRAG QUEENS!)

The sound system cut out on average about 30 times a night, the only place to hang out and talk was the bathroom (a unisex bathroom which had plumbing problems that resulted in a 4 foot span of raw sewage seeping onto the hallway floor that had to be jumped, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Crap style, just to get to the bathroom)

A cockroach also fell into my hair one night while dancing.

So, you get the point, this place was a shit hole. I mean, I hesitate to call it a shit hole because in all honesty, I have seen better looking excrement ports. To top it all off it was a 76 mile drive one way from Denver!

You know what the worst part was? We actually went to this place all the time! Religiously! This led me to the conclusion that Goths will go to ANYPLACE, no matter how horrendously offensive it is, just so that they can hang out and act like they DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. Goths LOVE to do this, they love to act as though their mere presence in any situation is an unparalleled salty pain in the ass for them.

That being said, I have decided to test my theory on Goths and their clubs. To that end, I present you with my new club-

"The Basement"

This is a club that will actually be held, in the basement of my house, a sprawling 45 square foot concrete structure surrounding my water heater.

The stereo system will actually just be my car, backed up to the small basement window with the factory tape deck cranked up...sorta loud.

The door man will conduct searches. We will employ no one under 400 pounds for this position and they will be instructed to perform very thorough searches of each patron as they enter the club.

There will be no 'request list' in the formal sense. Our request list will actually be a photocopied sheet of paper wherein you may utilize a paper hole puncher to select what song you want to hear next. The idea of the hole puncher is to take away the ability of patrons to write down a request that we have not sanctioned. There will only be three request options-

1. The extended mix of Headhunter by Front 242. (I picked this because I want the most overplayed song of all time to be even MORE overplayed)

2. Type O Negative's Black Number One- Because it is long and difficult to dance to.

3. Some Diamanda Galas song wherein she is just screaming for like 40 minutes straight without breathing.

These songs and ONLY these 3 songs will be played all night long. The only type of request you will be able to make is which one you want to hear next.

The door charge is a mere $3 but it will be $4 to leave and $15 if you leave something IN the club. The $15 does NOT cover re-entry to the club, it instead covers the cost of sending the surly, overweight bouncer to go locate your personal effects and kick them around for a good ten minutes before returning them to you with a generous dose of attitude.

There will be no operating fans in the club but you will have the option of paying the staff $3 to turn the space heater off for a period of 30 seconds at a time.

Also, every night will be closed by a live performance from my new band "Ascension to Sukkage 2.0". We will play our industrial cover of Ina gadda davida which will last three times as long as the original version and will NOT be practiced ahead of time. We may also play an extended version of the OTHER retro song that was accidentally not ended on time in the studio on account of lead singer drunken-ness, Soft Cell's Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go medley.

My contention on all this is that not only will Goths come to my horrible, horrible club, but they will come religiously, every week and the worse I make it the more they will look forward to coming next week.

Look for "The Basement" promotional website to go online shortly...