I swear to god, the retard population of this planet, at some point in the immediate future needs to get down on one knee and thank whatever god is covering liability for the mental defectives of this planet that I don’t own a firearm today.

I can’t say for sure I would have shot someone, but I’d have at least pistol whipped some bitches like it was going out of style.

I go in to buy one single thing. I assume that this will be a short process, but of course, that is never the case with Walmart because standing between you and the door is the purgatory consumer hell of the checkout lanes in which you will no doubt be ensnared by whatever the slowest moving line is and that is piloted by the most dimwitted cashier. Of course, the people ahead of you will also have no less than 10 items that they have somehow managed to pick up that have absolutely no price tag on them whatsoever which means that they need to send someone to check on the price because god forbid you take the customers word that the hemorrhoid cream retails for $3.99.

I myself was stuck behind the lady who was purchasing flowers and taking her sweet ass time writing a check.

Seriously, what the hell is up with Walmart? Is there like some sort of tractor beam that they have that sucks in everyone in a 150 mile radius with a chromosomal defect and makes them write checks in the express lane? And how fucking long does it take to write a god damned check anyway!? It’s just THREE FUCKING LINES you stupid sacks of jiggling CRAP! AMOUNT, PAY TO, and motherfucking SIGNATURE! I could put a pen up my ASS and sign a check faster than you freaking do with one of your geriatric hands. The woman in front of me must have been a thousand years old to boot which, and maybe I am just making rash assumptions here, should be plenty of time to practice your damned penmanship.

The other reason I despise Walmart is that it throws into sharp contrast the concept that human beings, despite any technology we might posses, are no better than insects. I watch people writhing through narrow corridors of this discount priced hive and carrying home twice their weight in food and it makes me feel like I am just a part of some undulating swarm of maggots. Lovely thought, eh?

I also happened to walk past the section of Walmart that they have apparently reserved for “Displays that will creep the ever loving shit out of you and make you forever incapable of sexual arousal EVER AGAIN” in which they are now selling sexy underwear for pre-teens.

Basically, what this consists of is a large rack of underwear with words like “Tease”, “Princess” and “Yummy” and other suggestive phrases printed on young girls undergarments. They even had a few thongs! What the hell is THAT all about!? I mean, are we concerned that our nations future skanks might be in need of a head start? Are we in some unannounced arms race with other nations but instead of nuclear weapons we are trying to outnumber each other with skanks? I’m sorry, but this is just freaking wrong. Bear in mind this is also the consumer outlet that would not retail the Morrissey album with him holding a tommy gun because they felt it sent a violent message.

In another amusing incident, I got into an altercation at Schlotzky’s Deli which nearly resulted in me beating the ever loving crap out of some jackass. The end result ended up being even better than a beat down because this guy ended up completely putting his foot in his mouth. Here is how the whole scenario played out…

Amy is standing in line talking to the girl at the counter and giving her the order. This guy walks up, moves right in front of her, interrupts the conversation and goes “My sandwich is the wrong kind, this isn’t what I ordered!”

The girl at the counter looks taken aback but tells him to go to the call window and they will help him. Meanwhile, Amy has turned around and is giving me the “Did that just really happen!?” look. I mean, this jackass completely broke into line and gave no second thought to it. So, I turn around and call out after him.

“HEY! That was pretty fucking rude” I inform jackass.

“Excuse me?”

“No, I don’t think I will. You do realize that you just interrupted two ladies having a conversation and disrespected them both because you were two damned lazy to wait your turn in line, right?” I tell him.

“I already waited in line once.”

“So that give you a license to come back and engage in whatever rudeness you see fit? Learn some respect.”

At this point he looks at my military jacket and the KGB badge and makes the comment, obviously assuming it is some sort of police insignia, “Well what are you going to do, arrest me?”

“Well, what I could do is knock your fat ass down and make you suck my cock, what do you think?” I say as I am getting ready to do exactly that. Now, what happens next basically slots up under the category of “Least effective rebuttal EVER” in which he turns around and indignantly tells me…

“Well, I’ll suck SOMETHING!!”

…

…

At this point I just start laughing. I mean, here I am telling him I am going to make him suck me off like the bitch he is, and his best response is “Well maybe I just WILL do that!” I mean, damn…do I whip it out right here or do you want to go into a booth for more privacy?

At any rate, he gets so flustered with the botched situation that he actually leaves without even getting the correct order. Oh yeah, and he left without giving me the head he promised me too, but I suppose I can let that slide.