UNDERWORLD REVIEW---

Underworld wasn't epic, but it was a pretty decent movie.

The interesting thing was that all the vampires were well dressed and,
well, prissy, kinda like you'd expect them to be...the werewolves were all like unwashed Metallica fans, exactly like you'd expect them to be...I mean, I think I actually saw Lars Ulrich's hairy ass briefly in one of the moonlight transformation scenes.

At any rate, the story goes as follows: Vampires really hate the
werewolves, and vice versa, so they go around shooting, whipping, and stabbing each other.

The vampires have been whomping the asses of the werewolves for several
centuries, for an unknown reason (they tell you why later in the movie,
but trust me, you wont care by then)

The werewolves are currently on a mission to capture a human who has a
mysterious power (betcha can’t guess what it is!) The human is also,
big surprise, a sultry character who ends up being a love interest about halfway through the flick.

When not adhering to a vigorous werewolf ass whomping schedule, the
vampires pretty much divide their time by deciding which corset looks best with their tits for the day, and then hanging out in one single room in the mansion. You’ll see this room several times in the movie, it is apparently the room in the mansion they set aside for “Walking around all sultry, like you have a stick of melted butter in the folds of your genitals” Seriously…it’s absurd.

Also, if you are in this room you have to give everyone and everything ‘bedroom eyes’. As a vampire, if at any given time, you don’t look like you want to give a rim job to everyone in the room, they crucify you right there on the spot.

There are some really good points, like the end fight scene between two
of the primary characters. It was good because it was not too climactic, but not a let down. It was just a good conclusion, and it was nice also because there is FINALLY an action movie that didn’t have a bunch of goddamned bullet time/Matrix/Trinity moves every ten seconds, and believe me, there was plenty of room to cram that stuff in there. I mean, there were some similarities, but really, you didn’t see people doing absolutely absurd shit, and unlike Reloaded, the director of Underworld seemed to understand that a good fight scene is not governed by the Kung Fu movie mentality that more bad guys attacking one good guy is better, and that people love to sit through 10 minutes of straight punching.

It does have it’s moments where you are sitting there going “Alright,
get the fuck on with it” though, especially when the movie crosses the
halfway mark and they go into explaining…shit…I can’t really tell you because to be honest, I didn’t really care…something about why the two clans hate each other and why the vampires have these huge sticks up their asses the whole time.

I think the thing that bugged me was the vampires. For lack of a better
descriptive, they looked…well, stupid. They were obviously over dressed
for the task of grappling with a bunch of full moon Pantera fans, and it is obvious that they’d rather be home cleaning their own buttholes with q-tips and oil of Olay.

There is also an evil doctor who is searching for a way to do
something, well, evil. I won’t ruin it for you by disclosing it here, but you’ll figure it out about 10 seconds into the movie anyway. The doctor bugged me for several reasons because it is obvious that whomever was in charge of his set was more concerned with how cool it looked as opposed to how an evil doctors office really would look.

First of all, this bitch kept all his notes on a big ass cork board.
Supposedly his research was going to bring salvation for the
werewolves, so given the importance of his work, don’t you think that the rest of the clan could have like pitched in and bought his ass an I-pod? “Hey Doctor Evil Guy, you must conduct a series of experiments that alone will decide the fate of our species, here, have a stack of Post It notes” Just saying…

Also, there is apparently no antiseptic in the Underworld either. Doctor Dildo is busy doing all these experiments in a bunch of beakers that look like he wiped his ass on them, and they WONDER why this guy can’t seem to come up with anything good.

The last thing that REALLY bugged me was that at one point he is mixing a blood sample up for testing. Now, in scientific experimentation, generally, the smaller the specimen, the better chances you have of gaining accurate results in a controlled environment. You have more control over a smaller specimen and less margin of error, but you’ve got Dr. Dipshit in this movie dumping an ounce of blood into a 20 gallon beaker that he probably sanitized with Mountain Dew. I mean, no wonder these guys cant get a leg up on the vampires, they don’t even have decent health care.

The Dr kinda reminded me
of Cobra Commander from GI Joe. Remember how he was just trying so hard
to be evil, and he WAS evil, but also stupid as shit in the bargain and
that was the fundamental flaw in all his plans? Same deal here.

At any rate, it was good.