You know what I really fucking hate these days? I hate how every rock star on this planet that used to be an actual good entertainment act has turned to pure, unadulterated suck ass. More to the point, I am sick of how every one of these bands seems to think that what we really need from them is NOT a new album full of good music with themes that are loose enough to be applicable to our own thoughts and feelings, but that what we really need is a bunch of shitty songs about what THEY think about America’s current affairs. A perfect example would be the Cure.

So the Cure decides to release the next installment in their post Wish trilogy of crap, and it includes a song called “Us VS Them”. As described by Admiral Cupcake of the Snack Squadron (AKA Robert Smith) it is a view of current world affairs and “A plea for tolerance”. Great, thanks Bob, good job. That was just what we needed, another opinion on American politics. Look you weenie, stick to what you are good at…or at least what you used to be good at. Just write some more songs about love and being a miserable sap, and just follow that Twinkie that the record company has hung from a boom arm in front of you around the nation until your North American tour is over and leave the opinions to people who are actually qualified to have them.

It’s not just the Cure either. Count Skinny Puppy and Morrissey in on the commentary as well. Thanks guys, just what we needed, armchair quarterbacking from the Canadians and the English. That’s like the math club telling the football team what plays they should go for.

I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t mention Leaether Strip and their wonderful ode to my nations suckage in the mix, “Anti-U.S.” which is Leaether Strip’s homage to everything wrong with our nation. Thanks guys, we needed to hear it from some crack ass German who can’t even spell his own bands name correctly. Oh yeah, and I think that we should all officially move that any nation responsible for mass genocide of a race within, say the last 75 years, doesn’t get to make assessments on other nation’s homeland policies, okay Klaus?

Let’s also talk briefly about Rage Against the Machine, whose angry, shirtless, wet dog smelling, dreadlocked lead singers music has scathingly highlighted the injustices of the United States. Isn’t it grand that Rage Against the Hygiene has taken it upon themselves to stand up against corporate America and the government and strike a MIGHTY BLOW against them both? Yes, by selling millions of records, they have spread the word of rebellion, generating millions of dollars in both profit for their major record label, as well as a few more millions in tax flow for the government they supposedly stand against. Way to go guys. Please go take your place in the “Head Up Ass” line.

What do these people think, we are running short on fucking opinions over here? As if we are going to run out or something, so we need to start importing them? Sure, America is not perfect, but I’d say that we sure as hell aren’t the worst.

What I am really sick of is people questioning America’s worth as a nation. I’ll hand it to you that Americans piss me off nonstop too, but that is just because I live here. If I lived in England, the English would be pissing me off just as much, if not more.

People are so quick to point out that America has no culture as well. No culture? I will tell you what our culture is, it is pulling the rest of this planet up out of the freaking dark ages. If it were not for us, the rest of this planet would still be stuck trying to figure out the secret of banging the rocks together and deciding which had to wipe their butts with before eating a cold dinner.

We are responsible for the harnessing of electricity, the light bulb, the television, the VCR, automobiles, the telephone, the computer, the cultivation of the peanut, and modern avionics. In other words, we are responsible for pretty much damned near everything that has civilized the world in modern times. Not to fucking bad for a nation that is only a bit over two centuries old. What the hell has the rest of the planet done in that amount of time? Monty Python and Yakov Smirnov are about the only things that spring readily to mind, and neither one of those are responsible for getting me heat in the winter and a cold Dr. Pepper in the summer.

In addition to modern civilization, America is also the leading nation in cinema. Our movies as well as our television shows are translated more commonly than any other shard of Pangea’s float away republics. Every time we produce a top grossing box office hit, the rest of Earth is anxiously awaiting us to give them a bootlegged, badly dubbed copy of it because in all honesty, when was the last time Mozambique came out with an edge of your seat thriller?

Oh, damn, I suppose that there is an exception, Anime. How could I overlook the cinematic and artistic quality of the true art form of Anime…wait…I know how…because it fucking sucks. I am sick of hearing people drone on and on about the greatness of Akira, how deep the story is, how it took five years to draw, yakkity, smackity. I hate Anime and Akira is just the Mona Lisa of crap for that genre of entertainment. It also bugs me how all the women in Anime constantly talk in a high pitched squeal as though they are receiving none stop rectal violations.

Speaking of which, what the hell is up with tentacle rape? If I were to draw any conclusions about Japan based on pretty much every single cartoon they put out, it would be that you cannot walk outside without getting violated in all holes by a few dozen tentacles.

“Noodles at 9 O’ clock Min? Gee, I don’t know, it’s 8 right now, I have to do my hair, that should take about half an hour and I’ll need to take at least two hours to get fucked by about twenty different squids on the way over. Can we do 10:30 instead?”

Christ. And people look at US like WE’RE the nation with fucked up social issues.