Ok ok, so maybe I am on crack, but tell me if the wording in the following sentence should be beyond the comprehension of anyone with an IQ above 80:

"I am unable to assist you with your request, our computer systems are offline right now so I cannot pull up your account. We estimate that they will be back online in about 45 minutes"

That's pretty straightforward, isn't it? I didn't throw in any Euclidean Geometry in there did I? Did I ask for the last fucking digit in Pi!?!? So what is the freaking problem here?

Here is a sample conversation that I seem to be having every 120 seconds this morning-

"Thank you for calling customer service this is Zac, how can I help you?"

"Yeah yeah, uhm ok, about 7 months ago I opened my account with a guy at your company named DAVE, do you know DAVE? Yeah, it was DAVE, and DAVE tells me that I'll be getting blah blah blah" at which point said customer trails off into a long meandering diatribe of everything that has happened to him or her since the inception of their life on this planet. If you work in customer service, you are familiar with these customer rants...they go on forever, build to what the customer assumes is a heart stopping crescendo, but in reality is more of a flat THUD because you have heard their boring ass scenario about 20 times today alone. They also assume that even though there are potentially hundreds, or in some companies thousands of employees, that you all know each other. These are the same people who think all colored people know each other and own firearms.

Anyway, customers always assume that there is NO WAY a computer system could go down in a major company...I mean, computer systems? With complications? Who ever heard of such a thing?

So, after Bob Knob or whoever gets done telling me whatever the hell is wrong I have to inform them that the computer systems are down. I don't do this at the beginning of the call because there is a chance the call will not require the systems use, especially if they just need general information about our service. So, I have informed this person that the system is down and I cannot access any information to help them, I have advised them of what to do (call back in 45 minutes) and inevitably the next question is ALWAYS-

"Ok, well, what do you need from me? Do you need my transaction number?"

To which I have to reply "No. Our systems are down, there is nothing we can do"

"Well here, the transaction number is 12345678, can you just LOOK IT UP?"

"OUR SYSTEMS ARE NON OPERATIONAL RIGHT NOW, they are not functioning, as such there is no utility at our disposal to LOOK UP your information" I have to repeat while trying to convey my deep and utter disgust and contempt for someone who has such a tenuous grasp on the concept that they cannot seem to latch onto it at all.

When it finally processes in the Nacho Cheese Dorito that they have in place of a brain, when they FINALLY get it, the response is always some snide, smug ass little pithy comment to the effect that "Oh, it figures your computers would be down, that is probably the sole reason behind why my stuff is all messed up" as though a random system issue totally proves that our corporation slipped up once, so clearly, by extension THEIR claims that we screwed their transaction up are totally valid. I mean, we had one error, so obviously we are some rampant berserker corporation that goes around screwing everything up left and right like it is going out of style and this just illustrates their contention.

Yes, jackass, you hit the nail right on the head. You found the Achilles heal of our entire corporation, congratulations! You applied an oversimplified armchair quarterback solution based on an uneducated assumption drawn from a minimal understanding of our internal operations! Yeah you! Hey, you know, you did so well identifying exactly what was wrong with our company, why don't you make your next stop the White House so you can share your unique and insightful propensity for accurate assessments with our government, as I am sure someone as intelligent as you probably has a whole cache of suggestions on how the government should be operating as well! (I say this because most know it alls are pretty sure they could run the whole damned country better as well) I bet Uncle Sam would love to hear from you! I bet they are just sitting around going "Shit dog, we just don't seem to be running this nation very well at all, I bet some schmoe with a middle class social standing could just bust in here with some of their ill advised theories and get us running like a clock!"

For the record, nine times out of ten the problem stems from the fact that the customer entered an incorrect address, did not read the instructions or the contract, the manual, the terms and conditions. Any time that someone in this country does not get what they want they assume it is someone else's fault and no one here seems to be able to cope with minor inconvenience.

"You mean I have to wait 24 HOURS!?!?" I hear a lot...depending on the job or scenario the length of time changes, but it is always the same response. People cannot handle delays, they cannot cope. People are too fucking used to instant gratification that they now identify it with survival. "What the hell am I going to do in THE MEAN TIME!?" is the usual followup. I don't know, ass, maybe you could carry on the OTHER aspects of your life?

I had one time when I worked as a gas station attendant and there was a power outage. People came in demanding gas. Now, bear in mind that by the time they have gotten to me they have already passed 4 or 5 intersections with no traffic lights that are operational. The have seen a gas station with NO ONE in the lot fueling, and they have walked by a 2 by 3 foot sign on the door in sharpy marker that I have written with the following mathematical equation inscripted upon it-

"NO POWER = NO GAS, due to power outage pumps do not work"

Yet I get a line of people who walk up and slap down a bill on the counter and go "Yeah, gimme $5 on number 6" and are nearly out the door before I have had a chance to tell them what is going on.

So I tell them and I swear, I am not shitting you here, the response was always this pathetical appeal-

"But, I need gas!"

"Obviously" I reply.

"Can you just pump the gas to me?"

"And how would we do that? The pumps are electric"

"Well...do you have like a manual override? For emergencies" They start fishing...

"Yeah, right out back next to the outhouse, we have a hand pump for gas. No. I can give you 52 Slurpee straws and you can push them together and siphon it from the tank fill yourself if you like!" I would offer. Bear in mind I hated this job and did numerous things to try and get fired.

So, in conclusion, people are dumb. Thank you for listening.