So we go out the other night and end up at the Olive Garden. When we get there we sit down and in the next room is a large gaggle of normal people. Although they did not exhibit any of the overt signs of mental retardation, googly eyes that point in different directions, faint smells of wafting rancid butter, or mittens pinned to their jackets, I strongly suspect that the average IQ on the other side of the cover provided by the fake potted plants was somewhere around 82.

As we sit down I look around to evaluate possible weapons on the table in case of conflict. Very rarely does a dining experience turn into a situation where I have to make a grab for the most tangible instrument of death and destruction on the table, but it never hurts to be prepared.

Sugar packets…ineffective for causing death.
Salad fork…ineffective due to mere three prong design and limited puncture ratio.
Bread sticks…ineffective due to deliciousness.

I finally settled on the strategy that in the event of escalated combat I could use one of their children, which at a height of 2 1/2 feet, would make an easily wieldable yet sufficient thwacking tool.

It never got to that point, but what DID happen was that the waiter informed me that due to the hectic nature of the night as a result of not one, but two large groups of invalid adults, I might not be able to get my calzone. As he explained to me, even though a calzone is, in reality nothing more than a freaking pizza folder in half, the relative level of difficulty might be overwhelming for the culinary school flunkies in the back because they were already besieged by the number of orders coming in. In addition to this, I also experienced an interruption in the normal flow of my Dr. Pepper refills.

This is not cool. Yes, it may just be a calzone, but it is not about the calzone here people. Where a normal person might just see a minor inconvenience in their dining experience, I see this for what it REALLY is, this is a symptom of a sickness in America today.

I hear so many people talk about threats to the family structure. Rap, MTV, video games that let you bone prostitutes, white people learning how to rap, movies, mass media are all blamed as the threats because, as some people see it, they undermine family values. I am going to say this plain and simple, the REAL threat to America today IS THE FAMILY!

It is the fact that we are overrunning this planet because people watch shitty family movies like Cheaper By the Dozen and think that allowing a nest of writhing yuppy larvae to grow in their 2 story suburban pressboard estate constitutes a life worth living. It does not. What it does do is ensure traffic jams, lower quality of life, consumption of resources, and closer to home, calzone shortages. People who don’t go around replicating themselves nonstop are paying the price for your wanton inconsideration, and it is going to fucking stop.

The thing is, these people think that their large, overly obtrusive families are CUTE! I see you fuckers with your minivans, your “My straggling whelp of a shit tard child is an honor student at Yuppington’s Academy for Future Assholes of America” bumper stickers, your matching jogging outfits, and you think the rest of the world thinks you’re as adorable as you do. We don’t. The fact of the matter is, we are thinking about ramming your god damned Escalade’s with our 1982 Honda’s and watching you and your 7 children collide with the nearest Osh Kosh B’Gosh store and erupting into a low carb fireball. We don’t LIKE you. We have cars that were manufactured over a decade ago and have numerous dents. We work jobs listening to overfed ass lancers like yourselves whine about late orders. We get cut off by your fucking Eclipses’s at the stop lights, and when the revolution comes, it will be YOU pole smokers up against the walls, not us, because we are the ones who are jaded enough to purchase firearms and armor plate our vehicles.

Also, I have a SPECIAL plan for anyone who’s SUV or minvan has the Jesus Fish family montage. You know the one I am talking about here, where there are two large Jesus Fish that signify the parents, and directly behind them are little MINI Jesus Fishies that signify their children. For example, if they have 4 kids, there are four little fish behind the two big ones.

I do not want to say too much here about what I plan to do to you people, but it involves stitching your entire family together by the flesh, like a large goober quilt, strapping you to an aquarium, and putting eel food in your lower orifices.

Incidentally, joining you in my righteous dispensing of much deserved retribution will be ANY advertising executive who is responsible for the trend of restaurant commercials wherein the sounds of people eating are AMPLIFIED. You know what I am talking about here, the ones where everyone is sitting around eating, and they are extolling whatever crappy new kitsch food they are hocking this week, and you can hear them eating it!

“Ssssmack! Crunch, crunch, crunch! GULP! Smack! Slurp!”

Fuuuuuuuck you! I don’t want to hear that shit! It’s not appetizing! It is freaking repulsive, and every time I hear those damned Carl’s Junior commercials where some professional model is making more wet slapping noises than a gang bang porno with Jasmine St. Claire, I want to vomit from every available head hole I own.

Also, I HATE the word “Chomp”. Remember that McRib commercial with the hearty cowboy-esque sounding announcer that would say, in what they thought was a sultry voice “Choooomp!” every 4 seconds? I will find who is responsible for that, and I will make you pay. I will make your family, and pets pay. I will make anyone who waived at you in your neighborhood pay. I hate you sooooo much!

Shit. See what they made me do?

At any rate, some other minor items of interest…

At the end of July, I will be personally cutting a swath of destruction through the lower states as I head to Florida in Alexi. Tha’s right beeches. Road Trip.

What does this mean to you? Well, if you live in any of these states, I might stop and say hello, depending on your location and relative internet creepiness. None of you strike me as the obsessive stalker types, but I have met some real whacks over the web and I am not looking to make it an in person experience. If you fit the non-crazy, on the way to where I am going criteria, I will probably stop briefly and say hello.

I also have a plan. I am going to take a large garden hose and cut it up into roughly 1800 small pieces. Every 2 miles I am going to throw a piece out the window. Why? So that when I get there I can claim the fact that I indeed “Have HOSE in every zip code”!!! HA!

Seriously though, I do plan to do the hose thing. I am like that.

A word of warning…sources have uncovered insolent plots against me by the Denver International Airport. I plan on investigating and posting the results on Wednesday.