Do you know what sucks? No? Well I'll tell you: Male pattern baldness.

I swear, we can come up with an anaerobic bacteria that is capable of digesting petroleum, but we cannot find a cure for male pattern baldness. I swear, how stupid is that? I mean sure, that bacteria comes in handy when a tanker runs aground and poisons 235 seals and otters, but honestly, how useful is that to you and me? I mean, it has been a while since I have personally run any oil tankers aground, but I am STILL going bald. You know what? Seal and otters don't even go bald, how is that for a cosmic rip off? They get the oil eating bacteria AND a full coat, no wonder some people club the little bastards.

Think this one over for a minute: If every single person on this planet were to devote a designated month of their time to finding a cure, we would have it guaranteed, but nooooo. I bet if they designated a whole month to solving one single problem it would be something stupid like stopping world hunger.

Now this brings me to another point: I hate poor people. I mean, it is pretty much the only group of people out there that you can still legally hate, so I feel that for the sake of keeping a balanced and well rounded personality I really should loathe at least one thing, so I chose poor people.

Now, here is my idea. We can solve the worldwide problem of poverty in one way. What would you think would do the trick? Equal dispersement of wealth? Broadened educational foundations? Cutting Sally Struthers up into 12,768 meal sized portions? Nope, there is but one simple answer:

Downsize the poor.

No, not reduce their numbers, but REDUCE THEIR BODY SIZE! Think of it! It is pure brilliance. See, if we compacted the bodies of poor people to say, 4 inches tall, there would be so many benefits. including but not limited to:



Reduced visibility: At their current stature, poor people are considerably hard to ignore. Being that they are the same size as you and me, they can also occasionally slip through the cracks and become visible through the windows of your favorite restaurant. This is purely un-acceptable. At the smaller more convenient size, poor people would be nearly impossible to see without looking directly at the ground, and even then, you could step on them if you really wanted to.

Shelter: As of now, some poor people posses domiciles in excess of 1,500 square feet, a grossly superfluous amount of space to be wasted on people who have to think twice about the question "Do you want fries with that sir?" At only 4 inches tall, we could fit all of the nations poor people into a few square miles in say, the Vegas desert. Housing would be no problem, as most of them could just live in our discarded tissue boxes. Around Christmas time, if us big rich people were feeling extra generous, we could leave a few Kleenex in the box before discarding it to the wee poor folk, who would live in their cardboard houses, sporting cherubic smiles, and then getting the hell away from us.

Jobs: Poor people could fit into places that larger richer people either could not or would not be willing to get into, like ventilation ducts at nuclear power facilities, clogged sewage lines, and they could even be employed as proctologist aids! Use you imagination on this one.

Food: An entire poor family could live for weeks on one single week old chicken from the grocery store instead of consuming large meals three times a day. Of course, the rancid turkey dinner would be reserved for those poor people who had exceeded in their service to the large people, a sort of performance bonus if you will. The rest of the entry level poor people would have to hunt cockroaches, or bring a few with them at the time of their downsizing for the purpose of growing and ranching them later.



Now, a lot of people would say that experimentation in mutating genes and body structures could damage the reproductive organs of poor people, but come on, think about it for a minute, who the hell wants to have sex with poor people anyway?

So you see, the Agents of SORP have once again come up with a means of making this world a better place for everyone! Well except for poor people, but screw them.