My friends…
You have not lived, truly lived, until you have driven through a neighborhood of
multimillion dollar homes with a fellow Agent of SORP in a 1975 Cadillac
Ambulance screaming the words to ‘Convoy’ over a state issued public address
system with a cargo of Taco Bell.
That being said, take a look at this-
You know what this is? This is what happens at about 4 AM if your me. That’s
Dr. Pepper with chunks of ice cream floating in it.
To make a long story short I have a sleep disorder that causes me to get up in
the middle of night and seek out food, usually sweet things. It has led me to
wake up in the middle of cutting mozzarella into razor thin slices, walking to
7-11 to buy chocolate, and once I woke up after a dream about eating some really
shitty pancakes to discover I was trying to swallow a hand towel. The original
story I wrote about me and this disorder is located here,
http://66.34.10.12/sorpreturns/i_hit_my
Before I go any further, let me assure you, I am not bullshitting you here
folks. The disorder is real, I have Googled it just enough to know that it has a
name, that I share it with Montel Williams (and that he actually padlocks his
refrigerator shut to keep from eating in the middle of the night), but not
enough to actually know the name. Name or no name, it doesn’t make a damned bit
of difference when you start trying to eat your linens in the middle of the
freaking night.
Well this round was probably the worst so far. It ended with me going back to my
bedroom and having to change my shirt and pants. For those wondering, I sleep in
my clothes because I have a fear of the house burning down and the neighbors
seeing me in my Ghostbusters boxers, but that is neither here nor there. It all
played out something like this-
Amber – “Uh…are you changing clothes in the middle of the night?”
Me – “No…wait…yes, but go back to bed”
Amber – “Why…what happened?”
Me – “Fucking nothing ok? Incidents happened. Never you mind”
Amber – “Why are your pants bubbling like that!?”
I didn’t even remember this until the next day when I saw the carnage in the
kitchen. It had started out with me waking up to go get something to eat. I
always look for something like candy first and then go to any food that is
somewhat sweet. For example, cookies and chocolate are at the top, microwave
pancakes below that, if nothing sweet, then I will eat ham cuz it’s sorta sweet.
It’s like a reverse shitty food pyramid.
Well, it dawns on me that I have both Dr. Pepper AND vanilla ice cream. For some
reason my sleep addled mind was telling me that I wasn’t in need of a water
tight container to make a Dr. Pepper float at which point I proceeded to pour it
directly into the carton. Well, this would have been a solid plan except for the
fact that the ice cream was staying absolutely frozen to the bottom of the
carton, so a normal midnight excursion to make a float was now a salvage mission
to get the frozen ice creamy goodness below the Dr. Pepper, so I grabbed a steak
knife, which for those of you who are not privy to my level of expertise on the
subject is the perfect tool for melatonin influenced ice cream extraction.
Well the first thing that happened was I poked a hole clean through the bottom
of the container so soda was now pouring onto the floor. Ever intrepid, I was
not about to be deterred and forged ever onward trying to use the knife as a
spoon. Well, as it turns out, bending a knife sideways to try to break up frozen
dairy products causes sort of a catapult effect in which you are very likely to
fling large chunks of very wet ice cream and soda at your head. This happened
about 5 times before I decided to just try to drink directly from the container
and ended up pouring the remaining contents on my shirt, after that it was all
pretty much down hill.
Another interesting side effect is that I have really screwed up dreams as a
result of the impending intestinal effects of eating ham and ice cream in the
middle of the night. I actually had one about YOU! Yeppers! Not you in specific,
but my LJ friends.
In my dream Amber bought a dog that was taking huge, monster craps all over the
lawn. For some reason I thought it was a great idea to go get an icecream scoop
and put all of it into little bowls as illustrated nya-
I even put little sprinkle on it and everything. When Amber came home and saw
that I was making little ice cream dishes out of dog crap she asked me why in
the hell I would be doing such a thing.
“This is the best part!” I tell her “I’m going to post them on my LJ and ask
everyone if they look delicious. When everyone responds going ‘Mmm, mmm!’ and
‘Sure does, now I am hungry for chocolate ice cream!’ I am going to go ‘HAHAHA!
You’re looking at bowls of shit SUCKERS! You’d all eat Orson Loaf! AHA!”
So yeah, feel flattered, I’m thinking of you all.
So there it is. More later this week, but I am down with the flu right now so my
writing is not as usually acerbic as it normally is. Also, I am doing something
new here. Every week when I post my current music there will be a link to an mp3
file, so you can listen along too! It’ll be like your really here with me as I
bitch and rant! With the possible exception that after I post I have probably
already moved on to masturbating to internet porn, but that’s besides the point,
it’s the thought that freaking counts.