First on the agenda, I would like to impart some wisdom that I have accumulated in my time on this planet. It has to do with Slurpees.

The thing about the Slurpee is that for every decent flavor, there are like 5 others in circulation that are complete and total ass in the taste department. In fact, the only respectable flavors are Pina Colada and banana, which means that I nearly never find a flavor I actually want. This sucks because I often find myself driving to every damned 7-11 in the city looking for a Slurpee machine with a non bunghole themed flavor in it.

At any rate, I finally found one with banana. In the past I always felt kind of cheated because you fill the Slurpee cup to the top, then about 3 minutes later the ice settles and even though you have not taken a drink, roughly 1/8th of the thing is now gone. That is 1/8th more Slurpee I could NOW be drinking, and considering the trouble I have to go to in order to obtain it I figure that I should do something to rectify the situation.

So I get the bright idea to put the lid on and press the entire cup and lid assembly RIGHT UP AGAINST THE NOZZLE. My thinking is that maybe I can CRAM more in there by pure force if there is no room for escape between the cup and the nozzle. So the Slurpee level reaches the top and I just keep right on filling it for a good 30 seconds or so, creating a sort of Slurpee super nova. This goes great until I actually remove the cup from the nozzle at which point the entire frozen confection explodes and everything within a 6 foot radius is covered in banana flavored ice.

This now means that I have to employ a strategy that I have developed in the event that something I have done has completely trashed a public place (which is an occurence that comes up in my life a lot more than it probably should) which I call the “Run Like a Bitch Strategy”.

In other news, this Sunday we headed out for the annual Gothnic, which is the Gothic picnic that we have in Denver every year.

It was a great time with lots of most excellent people. I will have pictures to follow soon as well.

There was only one obvious problem with this years event and that was that it was held outdoors, which means that I became exposed to something that I absolutely fucking hate. Something that, if it were up to me, and I could destroy every last particle of it, I would. That thing is nature.

Why do I have such an overwhelming hatred for nature? Because FUCK NATURE. That’s why.

A lot of people give me squinty eyed down syndrome looks when I say this, as though I just told them I would like to ream their mothers out with a large garden vegetable, but I stand behind it (my statement about hating nature…not, you know, reaming their moms out with garden vegetables, even though that might be a lark)

So I hear you asking me: “So, what you are saying Zac, is that if it were up to you, you would burn nature and everything associated with it to the ground? You would do this, with no entirely no regard for the environmental implications and the fact that the entire planet would be able to sustain the human race for another 5 or 10 years at most?”

To which, my obvious answer is, yes. Absolutely. Sure, we’d all die in less than a decade, but it would be a QUALITY decade, worthy of living. No more dog feces, no more bear attacks, no more scientific studies on how smart dolphins are, no more activists telling me not to drive a big ass car that pollutes the atmosphere.

What about my children? That’s the best part! I don’t have any!

If I woke up tomorrow and nature, along with the great outdoors, the rainforest, and every single exotic form of insect life on the planet were gone, I would do the following:

1. Look around, wonder what happened.

2. Go “Huh.” To myself. Briefly wonder what the hell happened to all the trees.

3. Go back inside, log onto the internet and ponder what I was going to bitch about next.

Nature is also responsible for bugs, which I fucking hate. Now, a lot of tree hugging narcotics addicts out there are quick to point out that insects play an important role in our ecosystem and that they are a vital link in the great circle of life and that they exist to fulfill that role. Bullshit. Bugs exist to irritate me with the ever present threat that I know they are just waiting for me to fall asleep and crawl into any available head orifices I might have.

Also, insects are not on the list of things that I eat. There is absolutely NO item on the Taco Bell menu that is composed of insects. Oh sure, birds eat insects, and without bugs, birds would die too. Well that’s just freaking PEACHY with me, because I could do without all the damned birds as well!

Why do I hate birds? Because they infuriate me at 4:30 AM when I am finally going to bed with their incessant chirping. There is also the fact that when God, who I am completely convinced is a sick ass bastard who made us for no other purpose than to bug the ever living crap out of us, made birds he decided to give them a perpetual case of diarrhea. It is also a fact that birds have NO sphincter. Thanks God, thank you for making the sole animal with zero shit control due to a lack of an operable asshole and an eternal case of the runs AIRBORNE! Dick.