This journal entry is based partly on an email I sent to Psychoholic…
So last night while I was sleeping I left my Instant Messenger on…I don’t normally use it, but Psychoholic always insists that I need to so that he can say hi to me online.
Anyway, I was ass tired last night and I fell asleep and Chris PM’d me, so right as I am falling asleep I hear that little “Bbbloooeeeeeelllllllooop!” sound that AIM does when someone writes you. Since we lived in a shit part of town for so many years, any time we heard a noise I would grab the 12 gauge and bolt out the door, ready to kick ass. We had a couple of vandalisms on the hearses, and Amy’s car got broken into, so I was just WAITING for the time I was actually home and they tried that shit.
Sometimes, before I went out the door, I’d get naked…with the shotgun…
My thinking was this: If someone is outside and they do have a weapon, a rayon shirt and some pants are not going to defend me against a knife or gunshot, so they are not really necessary. My other thought on this was that if someone was breaking into our cars, I bust out, buck naked, some 6 foot
3 guy with a red Mohawk, no clothes, and a shotgun…so that gives me at least two or so seconds while their brain goes “Uhm what the fuck?” and I take those 2 seconds to blow their knees off while they are still mesmerized by the breathtaking view of my Johnson, dangling in the night breeze.
At any rate, since we now live around normal people again, I had to ditch the naked commando raid strategy, kind of a shame because I really liked doing that…but anyway I still have that residual paranoia about people fucking with my shit, so when I heard that funky AIM sound go off just as I am falling asleep, so I JUMP UP all like “HEY! Who the hell just said “Bbbloooeeeeeelllllllooop!” huh?” all ready to kick some ass and such.
Even in my sleep deprived mind though, I knew that “Bbbloooeeeeeelllllllooop!” sound was not quite right…it could have been a burglar, but half asleep you never know…it didn’t sound like something a regular burglar would say, so I figured that maybe (yes, I actually thought this for a second) it was a RETARD burglar! YES! RETARDS AR E BREAKING IN! The bastards!!!
I don’t know what they would steal, maybe all our safety pins, so they could pin their big old mittens to their jackets, possibly they wanted pudding, or maybe they were after our extensive collection of sippy cups. Who knows, but one thing was for sure, I was ready send those retards to that big short bus in the sky…
Anyway, I crouched in the corner for a while, but the expected retard onslaught never happened. I figured that maybe they had retreated, their ‘Tard sense’ had warned them of impending danger, or perhaps their tard brains had forgotten about breaking in and they left to go get some chicken McNuggets. Either way, I fell asleep on the couch, all proud of myself for bravely defending my home from…whatever.