Ahhhh shit!

I fell asleep in the bathtub last night. It had been a long ass time since I had taken a bath, and as someone who is 6 foot 3, bathtubs are not really designed for a comfortable resting position for me, in fact, I am not sure my bathtub was even designed to accommodate circus midgets.

Anyway, I went into the tub at 10:30 PM last night and at 2:45 AM I woke up...4 hours and 15 minutes later. I briefly considered masturbating but vetoed the idea when I realized that the sensation would be too similar to making love to a raisin.

We also went outside this morning to find that it was snowing. This was great as we were running late already, then to top it all off traffic was backed up because apparently some white bread snatch dropped her Crispy Creme on her way to work, went on a recovery mission under her seat while going 55 and plowed her Volvo into the center divider.

We then spent a nice amount of time behind a Mitsubishi with a lovely bumper sticker that stated "In case of rapture, the car's YOURS!"

Charming.

For the record I do not hate Christians, Catholics, Satanists, Buddhists, or any other organized or disorganized religion. I feel that everyone has the right to believe what they want. I don't care for people who dislike an entire religion based on their perception of a few of it's members. What I do hate, however, is when people have to be smarmy about their beliefs. I despise it when people have to be so damned smug in their conviction that their religion is the only true salvation and everyone else is doomed. That is the message of this bumper sticker. "Hey sinner! I won't be needing this car since I AM GOING TO HEAVEN and your materialistic, Iron Maiden listening, devil worshiping, non-church going ass won't be! HA!" It's like gloating.

My first instinct was to grab a blunt bludgeoning object from the back of the car, pull the driver out and yell "Judgment day is here beotch, thanks for the car!" and drive off.

The truth of the matter is this-

If you are one of those people who thinks that Armageddon is coming and that only the TRULY righteous who have absolutely followed God's words and intentions and have lived up to the expectations set down by the bible, then you have an unpleasant surprise coming.

If this really IS how shit is going down, and those are the guidelines for getting into heaven, you're fucked.

God is going to come down, he is going to get all the those that have truly followed his word, and he is going to put all four of them into the back seat of his fully loaded Nissan Sentra and take off for heaven while leaving this planet to the rest of us who will pretty much continue on as we all have, completely unaware that there has even been a judgment day because we are too busy swearing at bitches who crashed their cars on US-36, causing us to be late to work.

We also nearly got plowed into in the parking lot by some vapid bimbo with a Bangel's haircut. I was horrified, not so much that we nearly got hit, but the fact that she had this massive feathered hair and it was coming right for me, Predator like, it was like a near collision with 1983.

I don't know what it is about corporate office parking lots that makes people think it is a license for wanton anarchy? Lousy savages