Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

The portrait of "When the only thing that CAN go wrong, DOES"

Couldn't I just get up and make a fucking pizza without some sort of god damned complication?

I also DJ'd last weekend, that was a good time, but the venue I was at has absolutely no barrier of any type to keep people out of the booth, so it is like a non-stop stream of clubtards coming up and bothering your shit while you try to DJ. Even if there was some
sort of rope, I doubt it would help, and any of you DJ's out there reading this know what I am talking about.

If you put up a rope, the only people it keeps out are the ones who actually respect such things and WOULDN'T come up and annoy you regardless. The people it actually keeps out are usually the ones you don't mind talking to, but the other people, the fuck tards who are coming up to request Siouxsie for the 43rd time in a row, it does nothing to dissuade them. To them, the rope is obviously some sort of mistake, or perhaps intended for individuals who are less riveting company than themselves. There is NO WAY it is there to discourage their dragon wing wearing asses from coming up and engaging you in a game of "20 Go Nowhere Questions". In fact, I am doubting that anything short of a guard tower manned by Nazi defectors with sniper rifles would adequately defray these doofs.

Here is how the standard encounter goes, I am standing there with headphones on and they walk right up...

Count Dancetardula- "Hey, do you have that song that song with the Carmina Burana in it?"

Me- "No, sorry" (the bad thing is, if their FIRST request was this bad, it ALWAYS means the runners up will be 10 times more sucky)

Count Dancetardula- "Ok...uhm what about the Lost Boys soundtrack?"

Me- "You mean that gay ass vampire movie that Duran Duran starred in back in the 80's? Hell no"

Count Dancetardula- "..."

[380 second pause while we stare at each other and I eventually go back to DJing]

Me- "So yeah, then I guess that's it then right? No need to be standing around up here, doing nothing, getting in my way anymore, right?"

Count Dancetardula- "What about ‘Nature’s interface’?"

Seriously, what the hell is with these people? They come up, they make their god forsaken requests, then they stand there as if something ELSE is going to happen, as if they want a freaking hand shake or something. Sometimes they just turn around and start
watching the dancefloor, while they are STILL in the DJ booth! Look you puddle drooling, lace panty wearing mary's, once you are done making the request, it is effectively 'go the fuck away' time, don't stand around watching the dance floor, this isn't some god damned observatory! Do you see some bitches in pigtails getting felt up in the back seat of a Plymouth by highschool quarterbacks? NO! You know WHY? Because this isn't a fucking scenic overlook!

That being said, get over your case of separation anxiety and leave the DJ booth. Go back down and try to reintegrate into the social structure of people who think Sisters of Mercy is a quality band.

Ok, here, I’ll even get you started…try using some of these handy phrases and perhaps they will welcome you back as one of their own-

“Wow! They sure made THIS drink strong!”

“I am totally wasted!”

“Gawd, it sure is packed in here. I don’t even know half these people!”

“This band they are playing totally sold out, I remember when only I liked them, and I saw them play in a club that had standing water, but now that more than 13 people appreciate them, my enjoyment has been compromised because I am an individual.”

Speaking of stupid things I keep hearing in clubs, here’s one I wish I’d never hear again-

“That person is too fat to be wearing that”

Okay, so when did the spirit of doing what you want, not conforming, and being an individual have a weight limit on it? Seriously, who the hell are these people to decide that another person can only wear a certain set of clothes if they conform to the Cosmo approved limit of attraction? These are the same asses who bitch bitterly about being judged for their appearance when someone beans them upside the head with a French fry at Denny’s or calls them ‘Morticia’.

To clarify, this is a different issue than me complaining about Kirsty Alley claiming to be goth. Apparently there was some confusion as to me not wanting her to align herself with that designation, some people thought it was because of her weight (I think I called her something like the “Queen of Cupcake Town” or something)

This had nothing to do with her weight, it had to do with her overwhelming suckassity existence.

More updates later!