So I am wondering here, does this piss anyone else off, or has anyone had this experience:

I am looking for an engine for Abby, a quick fix, just throw it the hell in and get done with it job. Not great, just a 394 that runs. I have been telling this guy who owns two lots that I want to buy his parts car, which is for sale at his lot. I have been saying that I would like to come look at it for the last two weeks. Finally I just went down there today and asked to see it in person.

Well, we get there and it is on two flats. Fine, I don’t need tires, I need and engine, no problem. I ask if we can start it up:

“Well, I sure’d like to”

Stupid hick auto junk dealers are notorious for their clever contractions such as “sure’d” in a way, you have to just sit back in awe of their awesome linguistic skills.

“But I got my receptionist going in the doctor tomorrow, so it’ll be kinda tough”

“Well,” I say to him “I have the $500 here, with me, right now. I am not interested in waiting, if it fires up, runs decent, I will buy it here and now. I need this engine and time is pretty much of paramount importance to me”

I think my first mistake was using a word with more than two syllables. I think he may have misunderstood what I was saying because he has never heard some of those big fancy city slicker words before. He probably thought that I was coming on to him at this point.

“Well, shoot. Uhm, let me look at my schedule here” Says Mr. Mensa the junkyard dealer.

Let you look at your schedule? Your schedule? Let me sum it up for you pal, here is YOUR STINKING ITINERARY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE:

8:30 AM: Wake up, drink a bowl of Cheerios soaked in beer.

8:35 AM: Take shower

8:35 and 15 seconds: End shower so as not to smell like a girl.

8:40 AM: Complain about Clinton, even though the subtle complexities of politics are way beyond your grasp of comprehension.

8:41 AM: Drive truck with clever picture of ‘Calvin’ urinating on the Ford or Chevy emblem to work.

9:00 AM: Arrive at work, spend day sweating profusely, talking about chick we saw on way to work, amassing more body weight, and NOT selling cars to people who are really interested in buying them!!!

5:00 PM: Go home, renew NAMBLA membership and repeat the steps for the rest of sorry pathetic life.



Now I am no mathematician, but I am noticing a good 8 hour chunk there that could EASILY be used to get that fricking car started. Now, maybe I am just living in some weird twilight zone alternate universe and my reasoning is totally screwed, but does this make sense:

You are a car dealer.

Someone wants to buy a piece of crap car from your smelly rancid car lot.

You should sell them the car so you have more money to go home and spend on cheap liquor and maybe get some cable TV so you and your rancid offspring can watch Jerry Springer in digital format. See how easy that is? I know! Yet this guy cannot handle it. He thinks that he can have it done some time in the next two weeks! Oh wow! Hard worker of the year award, you got my vote buddy.

Anyway, just had to vent.

-Agent Helm, over and out