So I am looking for a job again, not because I have lost mine or anything, but because mine eats root and pays only roughly a little bit better than sucking lost quarters out of hookers.
So the job hunt is on, which means that I get to deal with all the stupid monkey ass antics that come with trying to get employed at a different company. It was once said to me that the only thing worse than looking for a job is finding one, and they were absolutely right. Aside from filling out the crap ass applications, I also have to go through interviews with human resources bimbos. I hate these people because they are always some human hybrid of Ms. Piggy and one of the Golden Girls. When hell adds a new ring, it is going to have telemarketers, Emo bands, Subway employees that only put 3 olives on a footlong sandwhich, Microsoft employees, and H.R. bizznatches.
So I am stuck in a room with one of these people, forced to pretend that I don't hate every excruciatingly insipid minute of it, which is hard for me. Impulse control is not something that I really possess in any form, so I end up suppressing a lot of my responses that, while they make sense to me, might not land me a job at whatever half baked company I am currently applying at.
At some point they usually pull out this gem of a question in the interview process- "Why do you want to work for our company?"
Why? Why? Because I need a freaking JOB, that's WHY. Because I don't want to loose my house, spend the rest of my life eating rodents in some ally, and holding a cardboard sign on a street corner that says "I am a loser/Vietnam vet/diabetic, anything helps, god bless" for money! Because we live in a free trade society following the basic tenants of capitalism, wherein various denominations of monetary are exchanged for goods and services and since my own ass has yet to evolve to the point where it dispenses money and I can just pull it out whenever I want nachos, I NEED A FUCKING JOB, YOU BRAINDEAD HUMAN RESOURCES RECRUITING COCK JOCKEY!
Uhm...sorry, what I meant to say was 'I'd like to work here because I admire your mission statement which exudes the qualities I look for in a company, namely honesty and integrity, and I believe I would be a valuable asset to your team* and I look forward to spending my days providing world class customer service to your clients as I am a motivated self starter'....I'd like to thank the academy.
*Yeah, gotta throw that 'Team' word in there. Companies ALWAYS want to know that you work well on a team. Of course the obvious answer is YES, I work GREAT with a bunch of numb nuts who are all intellectually inferior to me and have no higher aspirations in life aside from watching American Idol and Queer Eye for the Straight Moron Who Needs Gay People to Tell Them What to do With Their Own Damned House. Of course the real answer is that I think the vast majority of people are idiots. I can do any of your stupid, piddling ass projects on my own, and I will end up doing it better if I don't have to spend time dicking around with a bunch of retards who can't take a drink without tipping their water dishes over.
You know, this gives me a great idea for a reality television show...I'll call it "Angry Guy With a Mowhawk for the Dumbasses" in which I show up at the houses of various people who suck...Escalade drivers, people with baby on board signs, anyone who subscribes to the New Yorker or Maxim and who smokes cigars in public, and I slap the shit out of them and their family for like 45 minutes while screaming at them to stop being such ass clowns. If they have pets, especially small dogs, I kick them. Tell me people would not tune in for that. It will be like one of those "Radical Makeover" shows, but instead of dressing up dumpy ass middle aged secretaries, and adding some Bed Bath and Behind crap to their house, I will just pummel them until they stop being mental defectives.
Back to the subject at hand though, here is my personal favorite- "What would you improve about yourself?"
What would I improve? NOTHING! I fucking rock, without question or exception, which is why your suck ass company should hire me. There is nothing about me to improve and I resent your suggestion that there is.
You know what though, since this interview has turned into some sort of introspective self fucking improvement seminar where we are questioning our existences, I could tell you what YOU need to improve. First of all, get rid of that damned 1970's bouffant haircut. You look like a cast member of Mama's Family. Stop leaving Atkins Diet books out on your desk. If I am not mistaken, there is no need for a fucking book on the subject. Don't eat carbs, eat protein. There, did I nail the pertinent facts down? So now, instead of paying $22.95 for some dead doctors book, all you have to do is look at a piece of food before you eat it and ask "Does this have carbs in it? If I eat it am I going to gain 300 pounds because I am on some crazy ass diet wherein I can ingest an entire cow without chewing, but god forbid I eat a BUN because it is all over?"
Also, take those pictures of your stupid ass family and toss them quicker than a client at an Asian massage parlor. No one, and I mean NO ONE on the entire planet wants to be reminded that you have procreated and that another generation of you human resources, bouffant having, trick ass ho's are on the way. We don't want to see your gap toothed little brats smiling all smarmy like for the K-mart photographer, we don't want to see your doughy middle aged husbands or your stubby sister from Akron. It is depressing. It is like, shit...it's like so depressing it exceeds my capability to draw a suitable analogy for the situation, THAT'S how bad it is.
I also love the personality tests. These are little tests which give you a series of questions that you are supposed to answer to prove whether you are an upstanding citizen, or at least smart enough to lie about it on a test sheet. Seriously, most of the answers are so obvious that you would have to be criminally retarded to screw it up, although they occasionally slip in a question that has NO real right answer, so no matter what response you chose, you are admitting to something awful. Below are some of the questions I have encountered on these tests over the years, and I shit you not, I am NOT making this up, they really ask these-
True or False - It is ok to steal as long as it is something small (uh, okay...)
True or False - It is ok to steal as long as you hate the person you are stealing from (Absolutely not. It is best to just fuck their wife...if their wife is too old/scraggy looking, their 18 year old daughter will do)
True or False - I have considered bringing a gun to work with me to resolve conflicts (Well yeah, who hasn't. I mean when it comes to conflict resolution, you cannot beat a Desert Eagle. Think you're gonna steal my office chair with the 8 points of adjustment? I think NOT, El Bastardino from Accounts Receivable, you will be sticking with that piece of shit Office Depot discount isle chair, while the handgun and I recline and enjoy our irrevocable awesomeness! But in all honesty, this crap on job doesn't pay me enough to afford a firearm, so unless you promote me to a better paying position, you have nothing to worry about. If I go on a rampage it is going to have to involve me stalking from cubicle to cubicle and kicking everyone in the ass, really hard…I still might do that though. That would be an AWESOME way to quit a job, just wander around the office and kick EVERYONE in the ass)
True or False - I cannot count past 50 (I crap you not, this was question number 51)
True or False - I hate my mother (No, but your mom likes me a whole lot!)
True or False - I sometimes have the urge to extract revenge on all who have wronged me. (Well duh, who doesn't, but the number of people who piss me off on a daily basis is pretty large, so the authorities will probably have intercepted me LONG before I got to work, so again, you have nothing to worry about...unless I snap at work, in which case, keep close to the ground and try to run in a zig-zag pattern)
True or False - I sometimes wet the bed (Uhm, if I did, would I tell you?)
True or False - I harbor deep resentments (No, I don't harbor them at all, I bitch about them nonstop in a highly vocal fashion, many times using wild hand gestures and expletives to emphasis my point. Sometimes other patrons leave Denny's when I do this. Fuckers. As if your precious 6 year old is too good to hear about the time I put pudding on my ass?)
True or False - In the past, my addiction to cocaine has interfered with my job performance, but I feel I am over that now (What kind of shit question is this? Whatever you answer, you are screwed. So true, in the past I was a crack fiend, or false, I STILL AM!)
At any rate, there you have it.