Firstly, (shit...that does not really sound like a word...) there are 3 things I am REALLY just sick of hearing about...
1. Krispy Kreme- Ok, so what is the big deal here...I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but the major selling point of these things is that they are donuts, in a box, and they are soft. Am I missing any of the major bullet points here?
They are not really any spectacular entry into the arena of donuts...their sprinkles are soggy and lame, and their frosting is no good. But the thing that really discounts their worth is that there is no love in a Krispy Kreme donut. You can tell there it.
Look at them, all the same, all so perfect...down to the centimeter. You can tell that at Krispy Kreme there is no one who really loves these little guys. Down there they just have some guy whos job is to go up to the donut machine and press the button that says "Make donuts happen NOW"
All they care about is the blonde haired, blue eyed equivalent of donuts. An Aryan race of donuts. They spell their name with 2 K's, cuz 3 would be too obvious.
2. Harry Potter- Look, I don't think grownups should be allowed to read these books. They allow people to escape from everyday life into a world of intrigue and fantasy. Screw that! No escape for you! Sit down, face forward, and wonder what the hell happened to your life, just like the rest of us do on a daily basis. Also, don't even ask me what I think about the sick ass weirdo 35 year old men who still live at home and are obsessed with the young girl who plays Hermo...Hermin...uh, the CHICK in Harry Potter.
Ok you sick ass bastards, I want you to say it with me- SHE IS 13 YEARS OLD. Being obsessed with 13 year old girls for ANY reason when you are 35 should be automatic grounds for chlorination in your part of the gene pool.
3. Lord of the Rings- Midget saves the world from a bad wedding ring. In a bizarre twist, there are not only good wizards, but...brace yourself...bad ones too! UNHEARD OF!
Also, in the penultimate chapter, trees come alive and fight back in a pseudo-hippy statement against industrial deforestation too.
I think that Peter Jackson figured he was employing a great deal of subterfuge on this one, like we might miss the statement made by trees throwing boulders at smokestacks and trashing archaic machinery.
Yes, that's right, a banal, droning story, but that's not all, you also get a pissant hippy moral lecture in the bargain too! Take THAT, South American Logging Industry! I am so TOTALLY done using WOOD now! This really made me think about the trees, their rich history, their feelings...and...and...the fact that I could not give a shit less even if I gave it a concerted effort.
In an ironic twist, Tolkein original stories were printed on...paper. But hey, it's the thought that counts, even if it is a a poorly misguided, feeble and insipid thought. The other thing I hate about these movies is that they garner all this praise because they are 'breathtaking". For some reason that is like the ONLY word people can come up with. "Breathtaking cinematography" or "Breathtaking visuals". You know, the thing is after a while it gets old, I mean, if they go take a shit in a wooden shack in Middle Earth, it's not just going to be a shack, it is going to be the MOST GLORIOUS wooden shack ever, miles high, and there are going to be Elven flutes playing, and panda bears giving birth, and pretty much every smarmy ass inch of the place is going to be crammed with unbelievable beauty. Oh yes, and Elijah Woods' eyes will be digitally altered to be even more soulful and deep than they were 10 seconds ago.
At any rate, the real point of all this was how much I hate Krispy Krud. Someone brought in Krispy Kreme’s today. I decided to have one based on the following criteria:
1. They were free.
2. There was milk.
Well, apparently my choice to partake in the devil’s donut was a futile venture because, just like yesterday, Krispy Kreme still sucked today. I took like 2 bites, one to see if it was actually any good (It wasn’t, I assumed that the presence of sprinkles might in some way lend credence to it’s tastiness…it did not) and a second bite just to confirm that it sucked and that the first bite wasn’t some sort of anomaly.
After confirming the continued suckiness of the KK Donut, I decided to throw it into the garbage, but that seemed a bit too good. I thought about placing it in traffic on 84th and watching it get run over, but I don’t know, that seemed pastiche. Finally I decided that maybe I have been too hard on Krispy Kreme and that maybe a fair and unbiased investigation into the matter would be justified before executing a death sentence.
So, I had a little mini-trial for Mr Kreme. The courtroom (my desk) was filled with various social contemporaries and dignitaries who all showed up for the trial. My sharpie marker was the prosecuting attorney. The stapler doubled as the bailiff (cuz in a way, he is armed and can, by his very nature, restrain people, so long as those people happen to be made of paper) Mr. Kreme elected to forego legal counsel and represented himself.
Jury selection was tough. I Had a hard time with selection but I finally ended up letting the keys on my keyboard act as the jury, since there are a bunch of them and they are all white (this seemed consistent with American jury selection standards)
The honorable Judge Scotch Tape Dispenser presided over the case.
Although verbatim transcripts of the case will not be disclosed here, I will make public some of the highlights of this turgidly epic court battle. I’ll start with the opening arguments:
Prosecuting Attorney Sharpie- “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, over the coming minutes and seconds, I intend to prove that Mr. Krispy Kreme donut did knowingly and willingly suck ay-ass. I intend to emphasize the multitude of ways in which he sucks, and establish a pattern of suckiness among both, himself, and his contemporaries.”
Judge Scotch- “Mr. Kreme, your opening statement please”
Mr. Kreme- “It’s true! [sobs uncontrollably] I suck. I suck long and hard. I suck like Tracy Lords on the suckiest day of the year in an ass sucking contest with an electrified ass sucking machine!”
Prosecuting Attorney Sharpie- “I call as my first witness Jelly Filled donut. Welcome sir.”
Jelly- “ Thank you “
Prosecuting Attorney Sharpie- “Mr Jelly, correct me if I am wrong here, but is it not common knowledge that jelly filled donuts, especially the ones with cherry filling and a light layer of powdered sugar are widely regarded as being some of the best, if not the ultimate in donut tastiness”
Jelly- “Yes, that assumption would be correct sir”
Prosecuting Attorney Sharpie- “So then tell me Mr Jelly, why is it then that you…suck? I mean, come the fuck on! You taste like fucking shit! What the fuck!?”
Jelly- “It’s not my fault! I was made by teenagers in a recently developed shopping complex! I have been formulated to appeal to people who drive Hunter Green Range Rovers and Escalades, I am tailored to the tastes of people buy Celine Dion cds! Celiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine Dioooooooooooooooooooonnnnnn!”
Prosecuting Attorney Sharpie- “So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there you have it, incontrovertible evidence that even the BEST KK donut flavor still tastes like the ejaculatory product of a homeless person. Prosecution rests”
Judge Scotch- “Mr Kreme, please rise for sentencing”
Mr Kreme- “I’m sorry judge, I cannot stand up, I have no legs, I am a donut”
Judge Scotch- “Jesus CHRIST! Always some fucking excuse with you isn’t it? Where was I? Oh yes, your sentence. Mr. Kreme, it is the opinion of this Tape Dispenser that on every occasion you knowingly and without remorse, sucked. Nobody likes you, at least nobody who lives in the real world. You are a fucking disgrace and I hereby sentence you to get stabbed by a pen a bunch of times and then get thrown in the trash, where you may get some old Taco Bell hot sauce packets emptied onto you. And may God have mercy on your soul”
Mr Kreme- “Noooooooooooooooooo! Leniency! It’s not my fault!”
So there you have it, that’s how I spent my morning.