So I went to go buy a welder today at Harbor Freight Tools. I ended up with a nice deal but apparently the hiring practices of Harbor Freigh include a screening process to make sure that the employees are carbon based life forms, and that is about it.

Actually, there was one person who actually knew what he was doing, which was ironic because he was a teenager. As for the rest of them...

I ran into a problem when I saw a sign for a $60.00 100 amp arc welder yet the correct welder was not present under the sign, but instead there was a much more expensive MIG welder. Now, you'd think that this would be a relatively simple concept to wrap your brain around, but not so for the simple folk of H.F. Tools.

I had to ask approximately 6 times for them to get the idea of-
"There be sign for $60 welder, but there be no $60 welder. You, H.F. employee make one get under there so me buy it and go home. Me use welder to fuse metal together and make awful shit that me then attach to car and ruin other peoples lives with it."

First they kept saying it was this other welder, which had an entirely different sku number (if you have never been in retail, the SKU is the company stock number for a specific item) and was not an arc welder, but it was actually a mig welder, and it was also $400.

So, I had to point this out, that the SKU did not match and apparently, in some completely UNHEARD of event in retail, a situation SO WILD and inconceivable that it had only existed in THEORY until this very day...products had been replaced on the shelf in an incorrect position!!!

I knew that such a monumental occurrence would soon bring the media so I figured, you know, better make it quick and avoid all the commotion. So, I told them that yes, I did indeed see the other welder, but no, it was not the correct one.

Mucho confusion ensued as the clerks went on a search to find the correct product, which, from what I gathered as a bystander, was most likely second to only the expedition to find the source of the Nile river, in terms of relative complexity.

Finally, one of H.F's finest emerged from behind the counter, announced that she had found the item, then strode confidently over to the display stand and presented to me... the same fucking $400 mig welder I JUST told her was NOT the one I was looking for.

You know, there was another large entity out there that employed vast quantities of highly incompetent labor with an afinity for never being on target, you know who that entity was? The freaking Empire Army that's who! Yeah, that's right, I don't know who the hell was in charge of hiring on the Death Star, or if they outsourced to get their people, but the seriously shitty quality really showed through in the performance of the storm troopers.

Whether it was hitting the target with blaster rifles, not getting their uniforms stolen by rebel forces, or even just setting up a lazer cannon before the Millenium Falcon busted a move and took off, these morons could not do ANYTHING right.

Here's another thing about the Imperial Army...did you ever notice how there was like, a uniform and special helmet for even the most menial of tasks? Like, if you wanted to go to Hoth, well you had to go get a Stormtrooper outfit that was even MORE white than the one you were already wearing. If you wanted to chill in Vaders chamber, you had to go put on a nice deep red robe because Darth liked subdued colors. Even the data entry guys had uniforms and helmets on the Death Star...and why? In case one of the keyboards all of the sudden exploded?

Maybe it was part of the sign on bonus for joining the Dark Side...


Human Resources Recruiter for the Dark Side- "Sooooo, what do ya say, wanna come over to the Dark Side?"

Potential New Hire- "I don't know...I mean, I am kinda 'iffy' on the whole 'serving the ultimate evil empire' thing..."

Human Resources Recruiter for the Dark Side- "Well, if you're not big on being REALLY evil we have a few openings on Endor. The most evil you might have to get there would be slaughtering Ewoks, but definatly NO humans..."

Potential New Hire- "Wellll maybe...but correct me if I am wrong here, isn't there a pretty strong chance of my outpost being blown up? I had a friend who was on a Star Destroyer one time and apparently whoever was steering the thing was off taking a shit because like right in the middle of a confrontation it crashed RIGHT into another Star Destroyer, I mean..."

Human Resources Recruiter for the Dark Side- "Awww, come on, you get to wear this COOL HELMET!" (whips out a piece of head gear that looks like a ridiculously oversized bike helmet, but with some random shit glued to it)

Potential New Hire- "SOLD!"


You know, the thing is, they had so MANY uniforms that if you were the guy whose job it was to fire the death ray, and you wanted to get up to take a leak, you'd have to change uniforms like 10 times just to cross the floor and get to the john. If they hadn't been so damned busy deciding which outfit to wear, they probably would have gotten the second Death Star done on time before the rebels blew it up.

Anyway, the point of this was that the Imperial Army was, by and large, manned by boobs, as is H.F. Tools. You know where the folly of bad hiring practices left the Empire, so to you H.F. Tools, I say take heed and do not fall to the same fate.