Fuck you Bill Gates.

Fuck your shitty ass Windows XP operating system, with more security flaws than a screen door condom at a Motley Crue gang bang.

I will see you in hell for your bitch ass soccer mom default windows themes. Your attempt to make computers friendly for every retard with the minimum system requirements of 32 firing brain cells, has simultaneously fucked it up for anyone who isn’t a complete and total Jerry’s Kid of an end user. Screw user friendly, how’s about you make a system that actually works and does not have a shit ton of useless options like “Guest” accounts and a built in spam service.

May you rot in the last circle of hell to forever suck the horned cock of Satan while a thousand demon hounds burst your man cherry from behind. And while this is all happening, you will notice that hey, at least it is raining, but then you will notice that it is no ordinary rain because it stings and burns through your pasty ass white guy flesh, and you will soon realize that I am standing above you, peeing on you with my mighty cock of righteous retribution for all the lost files, failed system restores, and Program Not Responding messages you have been responsible. I plan on eating NOTHING but jalapeno juice so that my justice pee will having nothing but the most vile acidic powers, and when you think that you just cannot take it anymore, I plan on jumping down and popping up right beside you dressed as a giant motherfucking paperclip, and I am going to go

“It looks like you’re getting urinated on with acid death pee while being ravaged by the Dark Lords cock…what would you like me to do?

- Sit here and make stupid faces while you wail like the bitch you are in eternal agony, OR

- Just continue the demonic violation of all your orifices without any help”

Then I will laugh for a few hours.

Also, completely unrelated, but effective immediately use of the following is strictly prohibited in the Goth scene…

1. The name “Raven” in both male and female form. If your ass can’t think of a better name than “Raven” you have no right even PRETENDING to be an ‘individual’. The idea individuality in the Goth scene is ludicrous enough as it stands without you adding to it by calling up this shit name. To this end, I propose that we, as a scene, take an active role in discouraging use of this name. As of RIGHT NOW, I vote that we all cease use of the name Raven, and anyone who still insists on using it, we call them “Darkk Dysentery” instead.

2. Naming your clubnight by merely putting the word “Black” in front of whatever the night it is hosted on, ie: “Black Monday”, “Black Thursday”, “Black Yam Kippur”.

3. Trying to bring back frilly pirate shirts into fashion. There will be no three strike rule here, it is to be a zero tolerance policy. You will be summarily executed without trial and any remaining family members will be sold as sex slaves to third world nations without goth scenes.

4. Trying to start conversations on the subject of nonconformity, ESPECIALLY the debate that 9th graders like to get into at coffee houses about how, if you are a nonconformist, you are in fact…CONFORMING to the idea of NONconformity! Oh my god! It’s like, so deep!

Yes, we are all proud of your astute observation on the dichotomy of individuality. Good job. Here’s a thought, do you think the interior of your rectum would conform to the shape of my oversized boots if I were to jam them up there?

5. Having an industrial band and then starting a side project when your MAIN industrial band has not even been signed to a label. In fact, unless you are Bill Leeb, NO MORE SIDE PROJECTS PERIOD. I am sick of hearing about how some shitty industrial group is starting a ‘new’ side project that is going to be completely different than anything they have ever done, in fact, it will be so different than anything you have ever even processed with the auditory lobes of your brain, that you will have to listen to it in nothing more than 10 second snippits because it will cause your head to explode, then they release an album that is 128 minutes of Acid layers, drum loops, and samples from various shit movies that is EXACTLY the same thing they were doing before. Yeah, way to push the envelope guys.

6. Religious bumper stickers of any kind. What the hell makes people think that the ultimate arena for ideological debate on the subject of the the governing force of the known universe is a piece of laminated paper stuck to the rear end of their Saab?

I am sick of smarmy ass Christian stickers, ESPECIALLY that one that reads “Caution! In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned”. I know I have mentioned this one before, but here it is again. Your smug ass assumptions that you are going to be saved when rapture happens is WRONG. I have news for you, Rapture already happened. God came down a couple of months ago and picked up all the perfect Christians who led their lives without avarice and according to his word. He put all THREE of them in the back seat of his 1956 Desoto, drove that mofo up to heaven and left the REST of us down here on Earth to endure listening to our coworkers talk about the Atkins Diet and chew corn chips loudly in the cubicle next to us. We are already in hell people. My suggestion is that you try to become enough of a bastard to get promoted to a supervisory position.

I am even sicker of shitty ass neopagan stickers, like the one that reads: “Harm No One, Do What Thou Wilst!”

What if what I “Wilst” is to Sticketh My Size 11 Boot Upeth Yon Ass?

I have news for you, magic IS afoot, but not in the way you think. Magic, loosely defined, is an enabler that stretches beyond the comprehension of most mortal men, and is understood by few, allowing us to achieve beyond our normal human abilities.

Magic is alive and well in this capacity, but it is NOT going out and buying a $25 Scott Cunningham book. It is a block of metal that will take you 250,000 miles by merely dumping an elixir into it’s gas tank. It is being able transmit your thoughts into the minds of people thousands of miles away by striking the keys of an instrument that has access to a fiber optic network that would baffle the vast majority of people on this planet.

Technology is the magic that won because it delivers results.

And finally…

7. Misspelling “Of” and replacing the F with a V, as in “I went to the club and got sick OV hearing Seabound, so I went out to my Toyota and drank myself stupid”. It’s only TWO damned keystrokes people, and it doesn’t look cool when you spell it “OV”. It looks illiterate.

Also, not really a goth thing, but I swear, every time I drive by a college campus I see some knob gobbler cruising along on a scooter and I just want to swerve and run them over. You know the ones I am talking about, the ones that are just like a skateboard with a big handlebar on them. The thing is, if it’s motorized I can give you at least some credit for owning something capable of internal combustion, but when I see you dorking along on the same ride that the 3rd graders are using, you might as well return your dignity to the customer service counter for some store credit because you are clearly not using it.