So, the website for the company I work for has had an influx of over some 185,000 emails since the holidays began. As you can imagine, when there are about 25 people to handle those emails, it creates a bit of a back log. So, being a responsible company we put a message on the server that pops up and lets people know that we have received exactly ONE METRIC ASSLOAD of mail lately, so if we don't answer, like pronto, it is probably because of the aforementioned assload.

So, those of you who work in customer service probably can extrapolate where this is going.

I keep getting these emails today "Yeah, I wrote an email to you guys and I saw the popup say that you were really busy and to wait a god damned minute for a response, so I waited. I must have waited at least half an hour, then no one got back to me, so I sent you like 15 other emails asking what was up and HEY! You never responded to THOSE EITHER!"

Sometimes I just want to write back "Dear Buyer, thank you for contacting WUAP, in order to better assist you can you please provide me with the following information: When you woke up today, was the first thing you saw, as you opened your eyes, the interior of your own ass?"

What is worse are the doctors. Fuck them. If you have ever worked with doctors, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. Apparently, when you get your doctorate in whatever cocksuckery degree you have been slaving over for years, just before they let you out among the commoners again, they install a permanent golden bug up your ass, which causes you to talk to the rest of the nation as though they are uneducated, inbreed waffle, not nearly even fit to breath in the airborne feces from their latest bowel obstruction.

Yeah. So apparently I denied someone's order yesterday, a doctor, and they sent the following feedback to the company via email:

From: Dr. Lisa Evans- "FUCK YOU ZACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So, how long do you exactly have to go to school exactly to develop that caliber of articulate expression? I like the all caps and the ton of exclamation points (which, by the way, are not being exaggerated here) which I felt really drove home the force of this powerful message. Fuck me. Fuck me indeed. With a ton of exclamation points. Dip.

My best doctor experience was at ADT though. I don't know if I already told you all about this one, so if I have, just be quite and try and act surprised...

I worked at ADT, which is an alarm monitoring company. I did customer service, which was a drag but hey, what corporate job isn't. So a call comes in and it is this very huffy woman who immediately states she has a problem and, as only a customer can do, launches into a long, rambling diatribe of every single thing that has ever happened to her since the inception of her account. So I listen politely and after about 8 minutes I say:

"Well Ms Smith, I will see what I can do to help you out with those issues today."

At this point she abruptly breaks in and says "Excuuuuuse me," her voice dripping with contempt "my name is not MS Smith, it is DOCTOR SMITH" in a tone obviously meant to convey to me that I was nowhere near her on the evolutionary or social ladder and how dare I not make with the full recognition of her ultimate importance.

So, sensing that there was a need for justice to be served I immediately adopted my super hero alter ego "Ultra Asshole Man" a character who will stop at nothing, using his super powers of condescension and verbal manipulation to put the bastards of society in their place. Let me preface this by CLEARLY stating that the comments I made to this woman are NOT my true sentiments, they were said merely to piss her off.

So, I waited a second and then said "I...I'm sorry, you said DOCTOR!?"

"YES" she responds, very deliberately.

"I'm sorry, there must be some sort of a mistake here...your a female!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?" She barks into the phone.

"Women can't be doctors! They lack the necessary intellectual and coping skills which is why men don't allow them to be doctors!"

"I AM A DOCTOR!" She screams at me...

"Oh oh oh! I get it! I understand, you're confused, you meant to say you were a registered nurse! I can see how you'd make that mistake!" I respond, making it a point to not laugh or sound ironic, just keeping totally calm and acting oblivious.

"I am NOT A NURSE GOD DAMMIT!" She is now in hysterics.

"Ohhh, gotcha, couldn't make the grade, I understand, so what are you then, a midwife? No shame in that, and a lot less schooling!" I reply.

Well, from there it pretty much went downhill as she pretty much lost her capacity for rational discourse and began stuttering and swearing a lot.

Life is good.

Here are some other random thoughts:

Does it strike anyone else as a little bit silly that our national education system thinks that they are dissuading school shootings by restricting students under strict dress codes?

Now, correct me if I am wrong here but even if it is a VERY strict dress code, when you have gotten to the point where you are coming onto the premises with a cache of loaded firearms and ammunition with the intent of killing everyone you see, you have probably passed the point where after school detention is any kind of deterrent whatsoever. Sure, you can come to school wearing a trench coat and kill everyone, but just so you know, trenchcoats are STRICTLY against school policy! You are going to have to answer for that! I mean, it is like building a prison with no walls, just painting lines on the ground and making it REALLY REALLY illegal to leave the confines of the lines.

Score one for the under-evolved.

Another thought I was pondering...you know, I think I want to get on with the FAA and do flight disaster analysis. I think that is TOTALLY the job for a guy like me.

Now, I don't have any hard data to back this assumption up, but I figure that has got to be a cushy, easy ass job. Here is what I have observed of the profession:

First of all, no matter what you say, no one will question it because in all honesty no one really thinks twice about it. I was watching the news one time and the investigator makes this statement about a plane crash stating that they were still unsure as to what happened. The quote was "It is unclear at what altitude the plane was flying at when the impact occurred."

Now, maybe it is just me and my lack of education, but I am thinking that the altitude the plane was flying at when it impacted was GROUND LEVEL. Not a lot of ground collisions happen at 20,000 feet. Then they go on to say that they are going to need months to define the problem because "The craft apparently experienced some sort of problem when the engine burst into flames, thus exploding and causing the plane to lose altitude at a rapid pace"

Some sort of problem? I am thinking that the 'engine exploding and sending the plane into a 'no longer flying' status' thing would fall squarely under the some sort of problem column. I mean, I know it's just semantics really, but come on,

Then the best part is the fact that no matter what you say your findings are, no one is going to prove you wrong. I mean, you've been supposedly pouring over tic tac sized pieces of an aircraft in some dusty hangar for 6 months...everything is torched, some of it might not even be part of the airplane even, so who the hell is going to double check your work or be in a position to say your conclusions were wrong?

If it was me, I'd blame the explosions on old people, every time. I'd come up with some overly expanded, poorly researched, completely hypothesized conclusion which I would present as an irrefutable fact that old people burst into flames if they are either too happy or too comfortable. The only feasible solution would be to make all old people ride in the cargo compartments of the planes, instead of on the plane with people like me.

Now, I hear a lot of you saying "Well, gee Zac, on the surface your solution seems almost too good to be true, but aren't old people all fragile and sucky? Won't a lot of them sustain broken hips and other serious injury?" which, I grant you, is a valid concern, but I have made proper accomodations for this very contingency, I plan to line the interior of the cargo bay with all the small children who talk non stop on the flight, or especially the ones who talk during movies.

uhm....can't think of a good closing for this one...eh...

HUZZAH!