The following post covers a wide variety of issues that shape your world. Actually, that is a lie. The following post is a long list of things I wanted to bitch about that are only loosely associated with one another and probably make little to no sense.

Ok, first off, I swear to god, the next person who posts a picture of George Bush JR. standing in a pose that is roughly similar to one that Hitler once stood in, and uses it as a commentary on how much Bush is like Hitler, I am going to send you a mail bomb with lots of sharp, and rust filled shrapnel, ok? You know the pictures I am talking about here? The ones you see all over the place where some individual who probably regards themselves as rivaling Mark Twain on the subject of wit, has found a picture of Bush waving, and in a moment of insight and wit compares it to a picture of Hitler giving the seig heil. Here is a perfect example-

Listen, I know you probably think that this is a really, REALLY astute observation, drawing a parallel between the president and Hitler because, holy mother of FUCK, they are both standing in the EXACT SAME POSITION! WOW! There it is people! Irrefutable proof that Bush is the antichrist! I mean, only a complete and total cock nabber would stand in the exact same pose HITLER once assumed!

Look, stop being such a piece of fuck meat, ok? By your standards, pretty much every politician from Lincoln down would be an Adolph incarnate, and so would you because, and I know that this is a long shot here, but I bet that at SOME point in your life, you stood in a pose that Der Fuhrer stood in as well. Spooky isn’t it?

No, I am not a Bush supporter. The fact is, I really cannot give too much of a crap because, well, it doesn’t affect me. People find that hard to believe. Every time that I tell some rabid, foaming at the mouth poli-tard who is trying to get me into an engaged conversation about politics, war, or what have you that I don’t care, they always give me the “THIS AFFECTS ALL OF US!” line.

In reality, no, sorry, it really doesn’t. The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t affect them either. Sure, I’d like to have a democrat in the White House for some cheaper taxes and maybe a good blowjob scandal here and there, but in reality, when I think about politics in America, does it really impact the TRUE ISSUES that affect me on a daily basis? NO. To illustrate my point, I conducted a short census of my daily issues and whether they were in any way influenced by our government-

The thing is, politics for the VAST majority of the American public are a HOBBY, like needle point and knitting doilies, with the possible exception that needle point actually produces something remotely useful, like Kleenex box ‘cozies’. The only thing that politics produce are tards who sit around all day and tell you what is wrong with the government, as though their pastey asses could do any better if we put them in charge. Oh yeah, I know, some of them tell you how important it is to be informed, and being informed means being involved, no it doesn’t, you dolts. By that criteria, I could be an astronaut just by knowing a lot about it.

So stop pretending. Stop ACTING as though you have a say in what happens and that your opinion matters. The fact is, your opinions and insightful observations don’t matter for SHIT. Unless you want to start an armed revolution and maybe go huck some tea into the harbor, shut the hell up and stop pretending that you are in any way involved.

The worst are conspiracy theorists. When I worked at ADT we had this guy who thought that he was the Art Bell of the call center. He would always intercept me on my way back to my desk and try to ambush me with whatever crackpot theory he was on about for that particular day.

ADT was the worst because, and I say this in the context of a long line of customer service jobs that I have held, which gives you an idea of the severity of this statement, this job had more insufferable fuck tards at it than any other job I have ever had. The path to my desk meant that not only did I have to walk by conspiracy dork, but I also had to walk by-

1. “Point Out the Obvious in an Attempt to Make Insipid Smalltalk Woman.”

I have never really been able to get a firm grasp on what motivates people like this woman, but she was one of those people who has to comment on EVERYTHING they see, no matter how trivial. I am not sure if it is the result of a partially botched lobotomy, or a deep seeded fear that if they stop talking, their mouths will seize up or what, it’s hard to tell, but here is a true story-

I am coming back from the lunch room with 5 cans of Dr. Pepper. Now let me state that I LOVE Dr. Pepper. When mankind is dead and gone, if only one things stands as a testament to the greatness of our achievements as a sentient race, it should be a can of Dr. Pepper.

Yeah, some un-enlightened fucks out there will try and tell you that we should be remembered by something like a great piece of architecture like the Taj Mahal, or a piece of art work like the Mona Lisa. If you are one of these people, you are a stupid, ignorant piece of dingo crap and I despise you and hope that you die of dysentery. I want to see your family butt sexed by a tribe of…well, whatever tribe of people it is that does that stuff. I am sure that one exists with the primary purpose of butt sexing other people, I mean, it just stands to reason, and I bet you anything that the tribe is in Africa. Seriously. Anytime you mention some whacked out practice in a large group of people, eating brains, drinking ox pee, whatever, someone ALWAYS has to tell you about how they saw something on National Geographic about a tribe in Africa that does THAT EXACT THING. They have a tribe for EVERYTHING down there.

Back to the point though, Dr. Pepper is better than the Mona Lisa. How so? Well, first of all, unlike the thirst quenching goodness of Dr. P, I bet the Mona Lisa tastes like shit for starters. Also, unlike the Mona Lisa, Dr. P is readily available in large quantities to the general public. Do you think they are ever going to let your grimey ass touch the Mona Lisa? That’s a big resounding NO!

Aside from that, what kind of message would the Mona Lisa send to future civilizations anyway? “We liked pudgy chicks who squatted by the countryside”? Is that how we want to be remembered!? I personally want it to be known that my society was adequately hydrated and refreshed by the delicious goodness of a quality beverage.

Anyway, I am going back to my desk with the 5 cans and I just know that this woman is going to have to comment on it.

“Heyyyy! You must be thirsty!” She calls out.

So I turn around and go “Heeyyyyy! Nothing gets by you, does it?” I mean, seriously, some people really need to stop, and every time before they say ANYTHING, ask themselves the question; “Is this a stupid thing to say?”. I almost felt like saying something to the effect of “No, I am not thirsty. I have a rare form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder wherein every time my body starts to become dehydrated, I just have to ingest liquids. It’s the weirdest damned thing you ever seen! Then, later, I pee all them crazy liquids out through my reproductive organ! Yeeeeehaw!”

Cripes.

I also had to pass by-

2. “My Baby Daddy Woman”

This is a woman who, apparently as part of the conditions for her receiving government aid, has to mention the words “My Baby Daddy” at least 3 times per paragraph when she speaks. I once bet a coworker that she would say that intolerable phrase at least 15 times before lunch. I won that bet.

The variety of subjects in regard to her baby daddy ran the gambit from how that bitch Shaniqua had better not be trying no shit behind her back with baby daddy, all the way up to how “life is gonna be so sweet when my baby daddy get outta prison! He gonna take care of me and we gonna live so high on the hog!”

Ok, look, two things. Number one, ex-felons, speaking in a purely conventional sense, are not usually regarded as having a great deal of potential in the ‘domestic partner’ capacity. I mean, once you have been in the clink for aggravated assault and narcotics trafficking, you can pretty much write off the possibility of being featured in ‘Better Homes and Gardens” any time before the fall season, okay?

Secondly, stop talking like Jar Jar fucking Binks!!! I want you to say it with me:

“THE FATHER OF MY CHILD”

See how easy it is to appear literate and articulate by using proper English? Wasn’t that fun? And it was only one more syllable to actually pronounce! Oh my, isn’t acting educated ‘off tha hook!”???

Dammit. I was going to go off on that conspiracy theory guy, but I am looking at this entry and it is already on page 4. I will have to write another entry about that guy later because I am going to be a lazy bastard and watch Equilibrium again. Best movie EVER.