When I die I have a very specific list of details I want for my funeral.
I want to be buried, I want my headstone to be inscripted on the front with the phrase "Dead stars still burn" and the back with the complete lyrics of Pink Floyd's "Time" Yeah, it will be expensive but hey, dying wish you know.
I want everyone I ever knew, regardless of who they are or what the end result of our friendship was, to be present. I want a big ass funeral with tons of people there.
I would like to have it catered. No, not the reception, the funeral itself. I HATE waiting all the way through the grieving process to get food. Grief is hungry work and I would hate to put anyone through more of it just because they were in need of some grub. All I ask is that people chew with their mouths shut.
As for the reception, screw the food and fellowship. I want a big ass dance hall filled with all the club lights you can cram in it, a few dozen smoke machines, and a full fledged club night. I love clubbing and I want my send off to be a club night, the night that I always lived for as a member of the living world.
At the end, everyone goes outside and my body is put in the front seat of a hearse. The gas line has a small hole drilled in it so that when the ignition is turned on, the engine starts but a small amount of gas sprays out directly into the fan blade which causes it to create a mist which in turns is ignited by the spark from one pulled plug laid against the engine block. The hearse catches on fire and burns like a funeral pyre for the next hour. When it burns out, put my ashes into a casket, take it to the cemetery in Abby or Savannah (one of my two favorite hearses) and lower the casket into the ground while my car stereo blares Insane Clown Posse's "Nothings Left"
My sister decides who the hearses go to after the funeral.
The burning will probably go on for a while, so while we're waiting, stack on Stromkerns "My Salvation" and "Armageddon" Nine Inch Nails "Something I can never have" (yeah, maybe cheesy, again, I'm dead, cut me some fuckin' slack) Front 242 "Don't Crash" KMFDM "Adios" Dead Can Dance "I am stretched on your grave" and just to catch people off guard, top it all off with that Adam Sandler song about shoving shampoo bottles up your ass.
Back to main page