This is in fact a true story, no part of it was modified or exaggerated.

About four years ago I was driving around with this punk chick who lived at my house at the time. It was a slow day, so we decided just to cruise aimlessly and ended up in a suburb of Denver. It turns out we were near a friend of ours, Katie, so we decided to stop in and say hi.

I rang the bell and Katie's parents informed me that she was gone for the day. I said thanks and started back to my car, then IT happened. I had one of those sudden 'gotta crap now' calls.

Now sometimes when you have to take a crap, it is not a big deal, you can hold it, now that is for normal, everyday, 1 1/2 inch by 4 inch crap, of which this was NOT. The crap I needed to take felt like the abdominal equivalent of a Redwood tree rushing down the Yukon river. It became apparent to me that I had better get to a bathroom quick because in about 30 seconds my internal detonator was going to go off and leave me with a pantload of chili cheese for the ride home. I quickly turned around and darted back to their door and belted out

"SORRY TO BE TROUBLE,CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM PLEASE,IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!"

Her parents gave me a dubious look and told me it was down the hall and that it was her sisters bathroom.

I sat down and let out a symphony of percussions that has not been heard since the 1812 Overture. It was one SATISFYING SHIT. Well after about ten minutes of unloading I go for the toilet paper. To my horror, there is only ONE SQUARE LEFT!

I opened the cabinet below the sink, nothing but wrappers for Toilet Paper that had already been used! Nooooooooooooo! Even the Kleenex box was empty!

Then I saw it, my magnus, my savior in my hour of need: A brown face towel! Yes! That would do the trick! I grabbed it and had myself a wipe. Problem solved! I then folded it into a neat little triangle on the floor and left it there.

About a week later I advised Katie not to use any brown face towels in her house and told her why, she then responded:

"Why the hell did you leave it on our floor? Why didn't you just take it with you!?"

And I have to admit here, honestly the thought never occurred to me. It was my thinking that it was bad enough that I wiped my ass on her towels, that I did not want to make it any worse by being a thief too.

Nowadays before I go to the bathroom I ALWAYS double check for toilet paper, or a brown face towel