So I’m trying to get home the other day with a load of Tampons…see, I had to
go out and get some as part of my duty as a adequate mating partner. This is the
kind of thing they need to teach you in school. Sure, they were all up my ass
with algebra and the different kinds of cellular division and the like, but
where the hell did they inform me on what constitutes a quality Tampacktory
device? So every time I get to the store, whilst I know that an amoeba trucks
it’s ass around using a flagellum for propulsion, I am standing there looking at
the giant wall of suppositories trying to decipher what the hell I am looking
at.
On of them boasted, quite matter of factly that they were ‘Security Style’.
Ok, so what the hell is that? Security measures? I wasn’t aware that there was
even an issue with that. Damn, people will steal anything these days. It evokes
powerful images of telescoping tampons, kind of like The Club, but for vaginas.
Anyway, I finally settled on some and it was time to head home. I am coming up
the damned street and the main street heading East is packed, no movement, now
bear in mind this is at 11:00 PM, so there must be an accident. After about 6
minutes of not moving, I decide that I am not taking an alternate route because
god dammit, if I have been delayed this long already, I am damned well going to
see what all the fuss is about and someone had better be dying and ass raped
when I get there to justify a delay of this magnitude.
After about 10 minutes I decide, ass raped dead person or not, I am going to do
some over the curb driving and to hell with the whole thing. I go over to 14th
at which point some freaking cop jumps out in front of my car and gives me the
Sieg Hiel stop gesture and looks at me as though I was fucking insane for trying
to drive through a green light. A couple of minutes later, not a few, not a
swarm, but a metric assload of bicyclists comes through. I fuck you not, there
were about 3,000 people on bikes coming through, totally dorking out the way
that only a fool on a bike can rob themselves of all dignity.
Now, on a normal day, your average serious cyclist is already dorking out at
about notch number 11 between their bike, their goofy ass helmets, wrap around
shades and spandex that make Aerosmith look like…like…well, at the very least,
less gay in comparison. These people were definitely a cut above that…they had
tandem bikes, bike trailers, bikes with Christmas lights and I saw at least one
unicycle. Ok, seriously, who fucking owns a unicycle? Huh? I’ll tell you who,
people who live in 1902, work as popcorn vendors and have handlebar moustaches,
that’s fucking who. NO ONE in the year 2005 should be doing that shit. It also
didn’t help that they were all smiling and waving, as though I was going to be
pleased that they were causing delays in my commute and wave back like they were
triumphant war heroes.
Anyway, it’s like another 10 damned minutes while these tards peddle through,
and they are dinging their little bike bells (you know, those annoying bells
that go on the handles and chime while the press the lever) and smiling like
retards in the McDonalds flagship store. So finally they pass. I figure that
this shit is probably going to be going on for a while so I stop by Netherworld
for a while and come back out.
I look down the street and they are BACK ON COLFAX. Now bear in mind, they were
ON Colfax to begin with and then infected 14th as well. So I manage to get the
hell across and head over to 17th.
Problem solved right?
Yeah, sure, not for me, not today.
I shit you not, they are on 17th now. So I cut back around while leaning out of
my window on the horn and screaming “Fuck the whole lot of you filth encrusted
cock suckers!!!” and head up 16th.
Well, guess exactly where this is going? Yep, you guessed it, they are now
CROSSING 16th, to go back and block up Colfax again. It was seriously like
watching a retard sprint around a round room after being told to pee in the
corner, they were just meandering through the city clogging up everything.
Now in a normally evolved society wherein the government had a semblance of
civic liability, say Communist China, these people would have been beaten to
death by throngs of well armored police, but the cops were helping these ass
clowns out!
So, the guy in front of me, sees the bikes coming up (they had not yet made it
to our intersection) and WAITS, as in doesn’t go and get across the street
before we are cut off yet again. So NOW I AM STUCK BEHIND THIS SHIT AGAIN! Now
at this point I am back to giving the whole lot of them the finger and looking
for shit to throw at them. The dipshit in front of me isn’t going to make a
move, so I pull into the oncoming lane and waited for the first 6 foot gap in
bike traffic and GUN THAT FUCKER. It was awesome, people in bikes are slamming
on brakes going “Whoa! JESUS!” and I am leaning out the window screaming “I hope
you ride that god forsaken piece of shit bike into a tree and that the tree has
fleas with aids on it you fucking pink rims!!”
At any rate I saw quite a few more on my way home and made it a point to scream
and give the finger to all of them. It’s amazing how quickly a smile turns to a
frown when a friendly wave is returned with the solitary digit salute.
I also called the cops and demanded an explanation.
“What the fuck is up with all these bikes!?”
“That’s the Moonlight Bike Run for Charity sir”
“Moonlight Charity my ass, those assholes are taking up every damned
thoroughfare in downtown and YOU’RE helping them! I mean, not YOU specifically,
but people who you work with. JESUS!”
----awkward pause----
“Ok, so I know this isn’t an emergency, but if you could like, I don’t know,
bitch at the people involved in NOT confining this event to only one street, or
maybe throw something at them on my behalf, I’d appreciate it”
All this got me to thinking about how much I really hate bicyclists. First of
all, aside from crapola like this, have you ever noticed how they like to reap
all the benefits that cars have in traffic, such as right of way, use of turn
lanes, use of the WHOLE damned lane they are in, etc, but when it doesn’t suit
them, they totally disregard the same laws of traffic that afford them these
liberties and blow through red traffic lights.
This bike thing, this midnight charity crap was just the final straw. So bikers
want to give something back? I would assume that this charity run involved
people making donations to the riders, and the riders in turned would go out and
become insufferable pains in motorists ass, am I right? Well here’s a charity
idea for you, I call it “Fuck Bicyclists for a Good Cause”
Basically, how it works is this…people make donations for the charity event, but
instead of bikers going out and obstructing people who have better shit to do
with their time, they stay home and just use their bikes as they normally would.
So what’s the payoff you ask?
Well, that’s the awesome part. See, for every donation that the charity event
gets, a motorist gets the right to huck something out their window at someone
who is doing something asinine, inconsiderate or dangerous on a bike. If someone
donates $50 or more, a motorist gets to side swipe a bike and send them sailing
into a parked car. It will ROCK.
I even made up some road signs for this truly kick ass event. Ever see this one
around?
Screw sharing the road. I am bigger, I have more steel, I can go faster,
therefore I am superior and you need to realize that your stupid ass, smug
enviromentalist self satisfaction you eek out of not driving a car, wont stop us
from driving ours up your ay-ass.
Ahhhhh, now this is more like it
